Please Don't Weigh Me at the Zoo

Time to Face the Fat!: Part I

2011-10-23T19:08:00.000-04:00

Well, wait...

You don't think I'll write a Part II if there's nobody reading, do you?

Can you raise your hand if you're still around, please? I'll make it worth your while if you are! ;)

In the Zone

2011-02-14T12:29:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, folks! I'm proud to say Hubs and I swapped health-oriented gifts this year - the Gregory Baltoro 70 mountaineering pack for him and the Gregory Deva 70 for me! These packs won Backpacker magazine's Editors' Choice award for best mountaineering pack in 2008. It couldn't have happened at a better time, because Hubs and I just decided last night that we're going away again the first week of March to do some hiking/snowshoeing! I'm so excited to hike with this pack. (It's the little things, people.)

(Note: I just ate an entire Ghirardelli peppermint bark bar that I got from one of my patients. I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. [By the way, they're creamy and delicious.])

Okay, on to dieting wisdome now. (Ha!) Over the weekend I started reading Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth. The book was written in 1982, but I really do believe that it's still relevant today. Basically, she talks about a concept that is more familiar to people today than it was 30 (!!!) years ago, and that is the concept of emotional eating - eating for comfort, to relieve stress, to fill a void. I'm only about 20 pages in, and although I've known for some time now that I'm an emotional eater, the book is still giving me some things to think about. Let me give you one example of what I've realized.

Obviously, eating mindfully is important. If we can slow ourselves down when we're eating and really experience our food - the taste, the smell, the texture - then we would enjoy it more and subsequently need less to satisfy us. Right? Right. I know this is true, of course it is. We know our tastebuds get "numb" after so many bites of something, and at that point we're just eating to eat. Which brings me to the next point, and that's the importance of eating until you're not quite full but just about - perhaps a 6 on a scale from 1-10, keeping in mind that in about 20 minutes our brain will have gotten the signal that our bellies are full, which will take us to a 7 or 8.

I can't tell you how many times I've eaten to a 10, and half an hour later feeling so full that I was nauseous. Yet something inside of me drives me to eat until I'm uncomfortable, something in my head whispers to me and tells me that if I'm a 10 then I know I'm full. And what does "full" mean here? It means so much more than simply not hungry. It means that my nameless void is filled, at least for the moment. And that means that I don't have to think about anything else except my uncomfortably gorged state - no time for anxiety, for doubt, for self-reflection and perhaps not liking what I see. Just food, fat, and the hope that I can shit in the near future for a little relief.

So what do I mean by "in the zone"? Well, it goes back to mindful eating. I have tried mindful eating before and it's very upsetting. Want to know why? Because if I'm mindful about what I'm eating, I'll stop sooner rather than later. Try to wrap your head around why THAT'S upsetting. Nevermind, I'll just tell you: It's because if I stop eating, then what? What fills my void? What alleviates my anxiety? How do I accept the less-than-wonderful things I see in my self-reflection - the fact that I'm not exercising as much as I should be, that I don't clean/organize as much as I should, that I don't try new places or things? I don't want to have to sit with my anxiety, I don't want to see the negative parts of me, so I can't be mindful when I eat. Nope, I just shut off that "mindfulness switch" and pathetically and methodically move from bag to mouth (chips are my go-to food), back and forth, back and forth. Knowing that I'll eventually reach 10. Knowing that I can't stop now because the saltier my mouth gets the less I have to focus on life. Knowing that I should be getting on the treadmill but eating is so much easier and delicious.

So now let's come back to the present. It's Monday morning, and you all know how I feel about Mondays. I woke up this morning feeling not quite empowered, but at least a little hopeful. Over the weekend I made seven-layer bars for Hubs, which are delicious, and I decided to have one for breakfast because I knew I would eat one eventually today, so why not make it legitimate. When I punched the recipe into my LoseIt! app on my iTouch, I learned that one bar has 585 calories in it. Nope, that wasn't a typo. So then I said to myself, "Well, it's Valentine's Day." (There's almost always an excuse.) Then I got to work and ate that candy bar I mentioned up there, "because I already screwed up for the day," or at least that's what I told myself. But what is the truth? The truth is that I have a lot I want to get done and I'm not making the time to do it, I haven't exercised in ages, and I had a rather unsuccessful food weekend. All of that anxiety and mild self-loathing makes that void absolutely yawn, and so I yearn to fill it. And then the cycle begins again.

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Wow, how cathartic. Nice to have that all out of my head and written down. Perhaps that means I can start to attack it? We'll see. In better news, I'm on track as far as my weight loss goes - I lost 1.5 pounds last week! No small feat given all of these damn mental barriers.

Happy Valentine's Day!

So Many Mondays!

2011-02-01T08:06:00.002-05:00

"I'll start again on Monday." The story of my life!

Mondays, firsts of the month...all good times to recommit to your healthy lifestyle, right? That's what I tell myself every Friday and Saturday night, or on like the 25th, 26th, 27th (etc.) of the month when I feel pleasantly gorged from a calorie-laden, satisfyingly fatty, all-around-happy-making meal. So imagine the meal I eat when it's the weekend AND the end of the month!

Well, I won't go into details, but I can say it wasn't pretty. I didn't binge eat or anything like that, but my weekend did involve the following elements: 1) Cheesecake Factory, complete with cheesecake (because how could you not?), 2) my brother-in-law's birthday, complete with birthday cake, way too much wine, and lots of cheese and crackers, and 3) homemade chocolate chip cookies. I made over 50 on Friday and I think there are 7 left today. I wonder how that happens. (Hint: It's not Hubs' fault.)

The good news? Well, I'm maintaining my weight. I haven't gained, which of course is a miracle. Too bad I'm not looking to hold steady, eh? So okay, I have a bad weekend behind me...and today is February 1st! Oh, thank you Jesus for the first of the month again. You bestow those on me 12 times a year and I am just TICKLED.

I am feeling a little more serious this month, for two reasons. The first is that I am meeting up with a few of my girlfriends in April for a weekend of drunken, bisexual debauchery in New York City. I would like to lose a little more weight by then (even though I look super-fabulous already). The bigger reason though is that we have our family's annual beach vacation in July, and quite frankly I'm tired of not being at my goal weight every time we f*cking go.

So here's the deal. I have 23 weeks (and a few days) before that vacation. If I commit to losing 1.5 pounds a week I can be down about 35 pounds, which really isn't that lofty of a goal. I'd rather be down 45 (keeping my fingers crossed for 2 pounds a week!) but 35 if better than nothing. Of course that means I'll only be down 12 pounds by my Girls' Weekend, but again, it's better than nothing.

Since today's Tuesday, that will be my official weigh-in day. I'll have to wait until next week though, because I just had cereal and coffee for breakfast. ;)

Oh...and please don't look back in my blog at how many times I've "recommitted", okay? Have some mercy. ;) And hey, I still lost over 60 pounds and have kept it off for 2 years. That's a victory, right???

Happy Tuesday! (I'm taking a non-sick sick day today. Wheeee!)

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Pssst, hey Lauren...thanks for kicking me in the pants to get another entry up! :)

Hungry and Disorderly

2011-01-18T12:43:00.001-05:00

Oh my, folks. Let me tell you about this weekend. Well, to preface, let me tell you that I bake like Betty Crocker. I'm seriously an amazing baker, and when I bake something, I can't help but to partake. And so on Friday night, as a gift to my husband for being an amazing man, I baked chocolate chip cookies. 52 of them.

I think that 35 of them may have found their way to my stomach over the course of my three-day weekend. I'm not exaggerating or trying to be funny...I actually think that happened. I say that because there were only about 15 cookies left as of this morning, and I just didn't see Hubs eating as many as I did. Well, that and the fact that Hubs just doesn't binge-eat like I do. Oh, and on Sunday morning Hubs brought me a donut back from the coffee shop, and I scarfed that as well. If it weren't for the cookies and the donut it would have been a successful weekend.

Hmmm...okay, that's kind of a lie. Because Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night, about an hour before we fell asleep, I binged like a starving animal. Well, maybe it doesn't quite classify as bingeing, but I ate a LOT. Potato chips, pretty much as many as I could shove in my mouth over a 15 minute period; mixed nuts, which were so delicious and salty and salty and delicious; did I mention chocolate chip cookies? Oh, and caramel corn, tons of it. And last night - the piece de resistance - there was pretty much nothing left in our pantry so I found a box of crackers we got in a gift basket for Christmas and pretty much ate three-quarters of those.

Wow, this was like confession.

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Today has been more successful on paper, but not mentally. I had a good fiber-filled breakfast, a great fruit- and veggie-filled lunch, and I have an apple and a cheese stick for my commute snack. But mentally and physically...and I really think it's both, though more mental when it comes to what I choose to eat...I'm ravenous. I want to eat and eat and eat until the horrible food demon inside of me shuts the hell up, I want him to feel satisfied for once, and I want him to leave me alone. He's like the monkey on my back that I keep feeding so he'll quiet down, only perpetuating the cycle. Fucking monkey can kiss my ass.

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And that was cathartic.

Happy Tuesday, folks. Send good vibes out into the universe for me to have a better week, would ya? ;)

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Oh, and how could I forget? I lost two more pounds last week, bringing me down 5 pounds in two weeks. Not bad, except that I probably undid most of that over the last four days. Boo!!!

Blindness? Death?

2011-01-07T22:54:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday, folks! This is just a very quick check-in to say that I weighed in today and lost 3 pounds. This takes me down to a whopping....oh, damn it. I just still can't write that number! Instead, I'll leave you with a few pictures from vacation last week. We were snowshoeing up to a point called Artist's Bluff in Franconia Notch in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. This hike is just enough to get the heart pumping in the spring, summer, and fall...but in the winter on a pair of snowshoes it's WORK! And it was a great time. :)

That's pretty much a 45 degree angle. (I was a physics minor...I'm not exaggerating!)

See that rock up there? That's the high point, and that's where we eventually ended up.

Hubs took this picture. Snowshoeing this really was a fun time.

And the view is ALWAYS worth it. :)

In other news, my eye is STILL blurry. I went to the ophthalmologist for a follow-up yesterday and he said, "Yeah, that's definitely not a corneal abrasion. I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not that. You'll see our corneal specialist next week."

Boy, when someone is talking about your eye, you really don't want to hear them say "I don't know what it is". LOL Ah well...nothing to do but wait until Wednesday to see the specialist and hope I don't go blind or die before then.

Enjoy the weekend!!! :)

Return of the Purple Monster

2011-01-05T18:45:00.001-05:00

Happy Wednesday, folks! First and foremost, thanks to the few and the proud who welcomed me back. :) It was so nice to see that you guys were still here! Barbara, you were right about that blogging every day thing...that's way too ambitious for me! It's evidenced by the fact that I said I'd be blogging daily starting Monday, and now it's Wednesday. You've probably noticed that I didn't post my weight, but that's because I'm not weighing in until Friday. I figure that instead of traumatizing myself, I'll get on the scale after 5 days of peeing and pooing and getting on the wagon a bit. It's just better for my mental health that way.

Things have been going quite well since Monday. Lots of good food, 5-9 fruits and veggies, and I'm finally pooing normally again. Sorry if that's too much, but I gotta tell you...a great way for me to tell if my diet sucks is whether I'm pooing or not. When I don't get enough fruits or veggies, everything likes to stay in my cozy digestive tract, which makes me uncomfortable and angry. So yay for a normal poo schedule! My only challenge lately - well, since the summer, really - has been getting in 64 ounces of water a day. I was always so good with that, but since July I've been doing all outpatient work, and I just don't have the kind of time I had before to use the bathroom. Isn't that pathetic? But seriously, if I peed as much as I do when I drink all that water, I'd never get out of work on time. So I've been getting in about 52 or so...not terrible, but I could do better. I've also upped my coffee intake from 20 ounces to 40 ounces, but they say an extra cup or two is good for you. ;) I certainly feel more alert!

Some of you might remember when I tried my hand at blending fruits and veggies into a smoothie and came up with the Purple Monster. Well, it's back and better than ever! I took a few pictures of it because I was proud of how healthy it looked. The pictures suck, but luckily this isn't a photography blog.

Here it is chilling out in the blender:

For two Purple Monsters (Hubs wanted one!) - 2 cups of unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 2 big handfuls of spinach, 2 bananas, and 2 cups of frozen blueberries. It was seriously awesome!

Here it is all blended up and looking lovely:

Oh my gosh, it was so good. I really enjoyed it!

Interesting tidbit: Hubs and I were in the White Mountains last week doing some snowshoeing. On Thursday I bent down to tighten my strap while we were hiking and a stick poked me right in the eye. I said, "If I didn't have more respect for nature I'd break that f*cking thing in half." Well, Mother Nature heard me. I started having photosensitivity and tearing of my eye on Saturday, and when I finally went to the ophthalmologist on Monday (because it was still horrible) I found out I have a nasty corneal abrasion. So now I'm on antibiotics for it. So anyway, my vision was a little blurry and I was cutting something on Monday night with our Ginsu knife...and I went nearly through the tip of my finger. It was absolutely ridiculous. So I have a corneal abrasion, I'm on Augmentin for a sinus infection (that's already cleared), and I have a Band-Aid on my left index finger covering a gross wound. Which leads me to...

Fun fact o' the day: Yesterday at work I smelled marijuana all morning. I thought all of my patients were smoking pot. You know what it was though? It was the smell of my Band-Aid. Yep, my Band-Aid (a clean one, mind you, not a grody old dirty one) smelled like marijuana. Who knew?

Goodnight! :)

Knock, knock: Who's there?

2011-01-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

Oh, it's just me. ;)

I've been a bad blogger. I've also been a bad dieter! One of my New Year's resolutions? Just like millions of other people, I will be eating healthier and finally reaching my goal weight in 2011! And maybe NOT like millions of other people, I will be blogging every day, so please stay tuned. I know I don't have tons of readers, but for the few that stayed with me, I hope you're still here...and I hope you'll stick with me for 2011. :)

Oh, ummm...this will be starting January 3rd. LOL! See you Monday!

Uggly

2010-11-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

I can't help myself.

I am loving Uggs!!! After much complaining yet admiring, and a lot of back-and-forth in my mind, Hubs took me out last night to feed me delicious food and to shop for Uggs. Here's the thing: I get that they're ugly. I really do. But let me tell you something...I put my foot into a pair of black Classic Talls and I thought I saw Jesus. Oh my God, the warmth and the comfort... It was love.

And with that successful trial, my mind was made up. There was only one problem - Bloomingdale's didn't have my size, the bastards! But that's okay, ordering them online is where it's at. And in preparation for the boots, I ordered two fabulous pairs of skinny jeans from Gap today.

You read that right. The (formerly?) fat chick bought skinny jeans. No need to applaud.

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Hubs and I got back from a hiking trip to the White Mountains a few weeks ago. I meant to post pictures but of course I found better things to do. So here are some highlights:

Lonesome Lake, which is actually a mountain tarn. We'd already hiked to 2740' at this point.

The view from Lowe's Bald Spot. This was a LONG hike - 5.5 miles round trip, lots of elevation gained, lots of rock climbing involved. Exciting!

Square Ledge, one of our favorite hikes. Short but very steep - a lot of elevation gained over a short distance. Rock scrambling/climbing involved here. Love it!

Here I am doing a little scrambling:

Don't mind the look, I'm a bit tired. This is after our Lowe's Bald Spot hike...I'm eating a veggie sandwich with hummus on multi-grain bread. Delicious!

Lowe's Bald spot again. Yeah, we had to climb that rock. :)

So what's the point? The point is that I am so grateful to my body for allowing me to do things like this - for not failing me, for treating me so well even though I spent a lot of time treating her poorly. It's not quite an unconditional love - Lord knows we CAN do enough to ourselves to cause permanent damage - but it certainly is a forgiving one.

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Who's up for a challenge? My sister and I are! Our challenge is to lose 15 pounds by Christmas. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Huh?

2010-10-10T09:54:00.001-04:00

All right, all right. So it's been a hundred years since I blogged. I just wasn't feeling it, quite honestly. I'd like to say that I was doing something fabulous like changing the world, but it really was just that I got into a really enjoyable book or three, had a few trips here and there which knocked things off schedule a bit, and at the end of the day, blogging just wasn't on the list. But better late than never, right?

So, diet-y stuff first. Depending on your perspective, things could be going well or not so well. I'm holding steady at 235-240, and I'm not really upset. I'm eating healthy meals for breakfast and lunch, getting in my 5-9 fruits and vegetables, and then coming home and eating for dinner whatever it is that speaks to me. Sometimes that means soup, cereal, healthy organic frozen dinners, or not-so-healthy takeout. But the truth is, I feel good and my clothes still fit and I look good, and so this makes it a little tougher for me to care about the number on the scale. Although sometimes I DO care, and then I get furious with myself...but that generally goes away. ;) Plus, I've been celebrating my birthday for the past week! My birthday is on October 9th but I celebrate for a whole week, because why not? So last weekend we visited my parents and brother and sister, and my grandparents joined us for cake. My grandmother is an honest woman - too honest for her own good sometimes, like the kind of woman who will give a compliment like this: "Oh, your hair looks nice...today." And she really doesn't do it to be rude, she just thinks she's doing you a disservice if she's not brutally honest. I can't tell you how many times she's gone up to people and said things like, "Oh, have you been eating more? Your clothes look tight." She has absolutely no qualms telling you what she thinks. So imagine my surprise when she said to me last weekend, "Wow, you look great. You're still losing weight, aren't you?" So I smiled and said, "Well, of course!" And I think I mentioned before, although the number on the scale is holding steady, I'm tightening my belt and my watch keeps getting bigger and bigger on my wrist. Who knows!

Check out this great birthday gift from my sister, and don't mind my badly-in-need-of-lotion hands:

And another fun gift from Hubs:

To answer the question I know you must be asking yourself, no, I'm not into owls. Or at least I never was before my birthday. I do find myself quite drawn to them now... As a matter of fact, after I got my owl ring last weekend from my sister, I heard my VERY FIRST OWL that night when Hubs and I were sitting on the porch. I'm like the Owl Whisperer. Hubs got the big owl for me while out running errands yesterday morning - I was getting a pedicure from my little Asian guy Charlie - and now I've decided that I'm going to put the owl in my office tomorrow. It's going to freak the hell out of my patients.

On a fun note, I was invited to join a raw Ramen-eating contest here in the blog world. I was about to do it until I realized two things: 1) Ramen has MSG in it, which I really don't eat voluntarily anymore, and 2) We didn't have any left anyway! So that ship has sailed, unfortunately.

On an even more fun note, Hubs and I recently bought kayaks and we took them out for their maiden voyage yesterday for my birthday. It was the most beautiful day of the year, which must have been put together just for me. ;)

And now, on the most fun note ever, Hubs and I are headed up to the White Mountains next weekend for a week's worth of hiking and kayaking. It's badly needed...can't wait!

Happy Sunday!

A Giveaway...Just Not Here!

2010-09-13T12:33:00.001-04:00

Hi folks!

Emily over at Eating Chalk has a super cool home improvement giveaway going on right now. Besides that, she has a really fun blog with lots of pictures and so many every day things that I think we all can relate to.

Good luck!

Objectified

2010-09-12T09:04:00.002-04:00

So...I'm getting honked at again.

Allow me to explain.

I spent most of my adult life so far getting honked at, catcalled, and just generally being objectified. I'm not telling you that because I feel special, I'm telling you that because an interesting thing happened when I porked up a few years ago. Well, maybe not so interesting...expected, really. I stopped getting honked at as much. I wasn't really getting whistled at. And truth be told, it was a bit sad. Do I want to be objectified? Well, I'd like to always be able to say no and mean it, but I can't. What can I say? Approval is nice. Of course, Hubs has always approved of me, and he makes me feel sexier than any other man in the universe could, but it still makes me feel a little powerful when someone else finds me attractive. It's pathetic, I know. So yeah, if I'm being honest, I was a little disappointed when I wasn't getting as much attention. Isn't that so sick? It is...I realize that.

But hey, good news. Probably since I was at the 50-pounds-lost mark, I started getting attention again. Yesterday when I was on my way to the spa, I got honked at twice on the highway and once when I got out of my car in the spa parking lot. While I have no desire to turn on any men other than Hubs, it does make me feel pretty good about myself. I know, I know...feeling good should come from inside. But I firmly believe that anyone who says outside approval doesn't give them at least a little pleasure is lying through his/her teeth.

Well, this may be my most self-centered blog entry yet. I may lose a few readers, but at least I'm being honest!

I'll leave you with a few pictures from our recent mountain climbing trip. We hiked a 4,000-footer in the White Mountains, plus a few other mountains/trails. It was a good time, and just like once before, I was proud of my body for allowing me this pleasure. I've come a long way, number on the scale be damned!

(You'll notice I have no number for you. I'll be weighing in next week...got back from vacation on Tuesday and didn't particularly want to see the damage this week! LOL)

Yuck...

2010-08-24T13:56:00.000-04:00

I've forgotten how awful it is to detox from sugar. Crushing fatigue, pounding headache, tunnel vision, and diarrhea. If I hadn't gone through it before I'd think I was dying! Just goes to show you how awful that stuff must be for you.

Since I'm here, I'll tell you that I choked down the most disgusting salad in the world today for lunch. It was raw spinach, steamed broccoli, and some black beans...doesn't that just sound gross? I meant to put salmon in until I realized we didn't have any, so I figured the beans would be a good substitute. They're not...this I now know. Oh, and no salad dressing - thought the beans would make it okay without it - which made it extra-hard to consume. But on the bright side, it was 4 servings of vegetables.

I'm not sure that makes me feel any better. ;)

By the way, I got on the scale this morning. Couldn't help it. I'm down 4 pounds from yesterday morning. Obviously "water weight", but I still feel victorious!

I'm a Superstar!

2010-08-23T10:48:00.000-04:00

...well, at gaining weight, anyway. ;)

This morning I weighed in at a whopping 240.6 That's a 3-pound gain from last week. There's no sugar-coating it. It's just disgusting.

And it's all my fault, by the way. Pizza for dinner three nights during the week plus two trips out for ice cream PLUS a huge, fried Italian meal with dessert in there...that'll do it. Oh, and no exercise - the piece de resistance.

So what now? Well, I have to do better...this falls into the "No Shit" category. I'll be honest though, I am sick to death of counting calories. REALLY, really sick to death. I just can't flipping stand the thought of adding up the components to one more meal. But hey, I'm doing it anyway, because sometimes we just gotta do shit we don't wanna do. To combat my complaining, however, is a real action. I've taken a page out of the book (forgive the pun...you'll see) of a gorgeous friend of mine who has lost nearly 100 pounds, and I've started reading Fit for Life. I began reading it yesterday morning and am only 40 pages from the end, so I hope to finish it tonight. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about the science behind the book because I'm not sure it's truly sound, but what I do know is that people have gotten huge results from using the plan. It's nothing extreme or crazy like Atkins or any of those other nutty plans. And again, I really don't know if what he proposes makes sense, but it certainly doesn't seem dangerous or unhealthy. He's not advocating a crash diet or a weird, motor-oil-and-eye-of-newt detox, but rather a diet made up of 70% fruits and vegetables. He's against dairy entirely...I'm not really one for cutting whole food groups out of my diet, but I'm willing to be no-dairy for a bit to see if I feel better. Truth be told, the only dairy I really eat is yogurt and cheese, so that stuff is just gonna have to go for a while. Hubs and I use almond milk for regular purposes and So Delicious Coconut Milk Creamer for our coffee, so we're kind of halfway there as it is. Plus, Hubs is lactose-intolerant and I'm actually finding that dairy upsets my stomach as well. I didn't realize this until we started using the coconut milk in our coffee. (There's not one bit of difference in the taste or the texture, by the way.)

But for now, until I familiarize myself with the plan, I'm counting calories. I did adopt one important part of his plan already, which is to not eat anything but fruit before 12 PM. Is it weird? Yeah, kinda, and I don't know if there's any good reason to do it other than the one he gives (which has to do with elimination - a euphimism for shitting). Is it unhealthy or dangerous? Hell no, so why not? This morning I had a banana, a nectarine, and a V8 Fusion. Two things with this - he says to stay away from bananas unless you're very hungry and to stick with water-based fruits. Well, bananas were what we had, so a banana it is. We'll fix it the next time we go to the store. LOL Also, the V8 Fusion is not entirely fruit, as there's some veggie juice in there, but there are no other bizarre ingredients in it. Still and all, he prefers you drink fresh-squeezed juice if you're going to have it, but for now it's a V8 Fusion. I was going to make a blueberry-strawberry smoothie this morning but didn't have the time.

So that's the deal. I'll get on the horrible treadmill today because I have to do it...I'm feeling a little out of shape lately. Not abnormal considering I haven't been on the treadmill since May. ;)

Happy Monday!

That'll Learn Me!

2010-08-16T12:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, folks, I'm (mostly) recovered from my surgery, back to work (boo!), and back on the wagon. I've been off the wagon now for a good month or so but the party's over now. Are you dying to know how much I weigh? Because I'm dying to tell you!

237.4. Isn't that fabulous? That's only a nearly 10-pound gain since Christmas. I mean, really...couldn't have gone any better than that. [Insert eye-rolling here.]

So what did I learn? Well, I learned that I'm not as good as I think I am! I'm not anywhere close to an intuitive eater like I thought I was - I'm more of a donuts-cookies-brownies-ice cream-every-day kind of eater. I ate a lot of high fat, high calorie foods and don't think I even ate one fruit or vegetable on purpose.

I used my handy little Lose It! app on my iTouch this morning and it said that if I stick to my recommended calories per day to lose 2 pounds a week, I can be done by January. To think that I'll hit the Christmas season and be 10 pounds within my goal weight is a great incentive to just commit and quit stalling! I'm tired of dieting and I want to be finished, but I'm not going to finish until I hit my goal of 190 pounds. I have two vacations, a birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in there, so while I might not reach it exactly by January, I'll give it till February. I'm having an awesome get-together in the city with friends this spring and I want to look even more amazing than I do now. ;)

Part of the challenge before I think was my calorie intake. I usually wasn't allowing myself to have anything over 1300 calories a day...considering that we need 1200 just to be alive, I know I wasn't eating enough. No wonder I was ravenous and the came home and scarfed food out of the pantry. My LoseIt! app tells me to eat 1701 a day but I subtracted 200 for a total of 1501 a day. I think that's reasonable, and so far I don't feel hungry today. It's amazing what a little extra food can do, eh?

I'm also changing my weigh-in day back to Monday. As I mentioned here, the Friday weigh-in is a bad idea...yet somehow I still got back to it. Bad, bad idea. No more! I'm going to get back into the exercise game as well, I just have to get the green light from my surgeon. I meet with him this Wednesday so hopefully he'll have good news.

Hubs and I will still be having one dinner and one breakfast out during the week. This helps me keep my sanity and doesn't pose a problem for my weight loss. It only becomes a problem when twice a week out turns into 4 or 5 times a week. This Friday we have reservations at Rainforest Cafe - love it there!

Happy Monday, folks!

Gallbladder Adventures

2010-08-11T08:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm alive. I'm alive and having a muffin and coffee for breakfast, so this is good.

Let me tell you something. I am so glad that I only had one gallbladder to remove. And I hope to hell that I never have to have another abdominal surgery, laparascopic or otherwise, because dude, it sucked ass. It feels like I did 5000 sit-ups in one minute. Oh, and you'll never believe how often you need to use your abdominal muscles to move.

My big worry for my surgery was the anesthesia...for some reason, the thought of general anesthesia and intubation just scared the shit out of me. So imagine my relief when I met my (cute) anesthesiologist and found out he graduated only 7 years before me from the same medical school that I did. I said, "Ahhhh, well at least I know you got a good education!" He was funny and comforting and I was so proud of where he and I came from, because that'swhat kind of doctorswe were taught to be. It was awesome. He let me know he'd be giving me Versed before intubating me, and all I could think to say was, "Man, I have control issues. That's going to be so hard." That's the last thing I remember saying.

When I woke up I wasn't crying or swearing like I was when I came out of twilight anesthesia after getting my wisdom teeth removed. I was grateful and as gracious as possible because I wanted these folks to take good care of me. I think I said "thank you" twenty times, even if it wasn't warranted. "Nicole, you're all finished, honey." "Thank you." "You did great." "Thank you." We're going to get you back to your room now." "Thank you." I think they probably felt very appreciated. LOL

My surgeon was surprised when I told him before my surgery that I kicked Hubs out of the hospital. The guilt I would have harbored knowing that he just sat in the waiting room for hours would have been insurmountable. Hubs reluctantly agreed to leave and get some things done while I was in surgery even though he thought it would be better to stay in the waiting room. I appealed to him by saying, "Why? It's not like you can help, right?" LOL So we agreed that the surgeon would call him when I was finished and in the recovery room, and wouldn't you know when I returned to my same-day surgery room, there was Hubs, waiting expectantly. He sat and held my hand while I slept for another 90 minutes and then we came home.

I came home to a gift bag full of good stuff - magazines (Us Weekly, Maxim, Women's Health, Food), 3 boxes of gourmet chocolate, a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, a card, monkey stickers, and a bracelet. That's Hubs for you. :) He catered to me all day and all night, and this morning when he left for work he tied a rope to the footboard of our bed so that I could get in and out with leverage. LOL Seriously, how awesome is that? And I did use it, too. But now I'm safely planted in our sunroom with my laptop, a book, and more magazines than I can read in a day. Oh, and a muffin and coffee.

If any of you ever have surgery, let me know. You can borrow Hubs, because I promise you'll never be better looked after.

Don't Eat Healthy

2010-07-31T12:26:00.001-04:00

Let me make the back story as short as possible. Since December of 2009 I've had four wicked episodes of abdominal pain, one that sent me to the emergency room in January and one that would have sent me there this past Monday night had I not known for sure what it was. Right upper quadrant pain that goes around to my back and up to my right shoulder - this here is textbook biliary colic (pain from gallstones). I had it once in December, once in January, and once this past Monday. I was fine with it, even though it was excruciating on Monday night, because I knew what it was and it didn't freak me out. I just took two heavy duty painkillers that I was prescribed during my ER visit, which I had NEVER taken before Monday night, and went to sleep. I woke up very sweaty and tired but feeling much better on Tuesday morning, and I told myself that if this horrible pain only happened once or twice or three times a year, I could take it. I've also had some random abdominal pains in that general area since last year, but whatever...nothing to write home about.

I didn't think anything else of it until it happened again on Thursday night, just four days later. Then I woke up Friday morning and almost barfed in the shower, and I dealt with abdominal/back pain all day at work. That's when I knew something wasn't good. Cue me calling a general surgeon for an appointment.

Interesting aside: I was talking about my predicament on Friday morning with one of the doctors I work with, who has been out of his residency for a few years now. When I told him that this pain landed me in the ER back in January and that they didn't even do an ultrasound while I was there, he said, "Did you let them know you were a doctor?" I told him of course I didn't, it's not something I broadcast just for shits and giggles. He said, "It's okay to announce it. You'll get better treatment, which is unfair, but it's still true." Isn't that horrible? I mean, HE wasn't being horrible...he was stating what is a truth. But it's still a shame.

So now go back to me calling the general surgeon. The surgeon's secretary said, "He's not in the office today, he's only on call. You'll have to come to the emergency room." And I said, almost apologetically, "Ugh, I just feel so stupid. I'm a doctor...I don't know why I let it go this long!" So smooth, right? Well, I'll tell you what...that surgeon's door opened for me. The secretary actually said, "Oh, you're a doctor? Hmmm...let me see...you know, I can probably get him to come see you later today." He came in to see me that afternoon, PLUS set me up for an ultrasound and pre-admission bloodwork after hours. That doctor thing works sometimes.

So there I am getting my ultrasound. The ultrasound tech is super nice, and I'm looking at all of my organs on the little monitor. Then I see my gallbladder...full of gallstones. I go, "Holy shit, look at that!" She said, "I'm not a doctor, I'm not allowed to say anything about your images!" I said, "It's okay, I'm a doctor, and those are gallstones." She calls the surgeon and puts me on the phone with him, and the first thing I say is, verbatim, "Dude, my gallbladder has like a bazillion stones in it." Very intelligent.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I am scheduled to have surgery on August 10th. Balls.

What's with the eating healthy thing? Well, I'll tell you. Most people think it's fat people that get gallstones. Most people think you have to have a crappy diet to get them. Au contraire, mon frere. The surgeon said my gallstones most likely formed when I drastically changed my diet a little over a year ago. I stopped eating processed, nasty foods and instead filled my diet with mostly whole foods, a lot of fruits and vegetables, and a lot of plant sources. Because my gallbladder didn't have to squeeze out bile as much anymore to emulsify a bunch of fat, the bile just chilled out in my gallbladder, stagnating and finally forming little stones. (My surgeon friend asked me last night, "Is it one or two big stones?" I said, "No, it's a bunch of pebbles." He said, "Oh man, they're the worst kind." Thanks.)

Oh, and the people who say fried, fatty foods bring on gallbladder attacks? True enough...just not entirely. On Monday night, which was by far the worst pain I've ever experienced, I had eaten steamed broccoli, steamed brown rice, and tofu for dinner. And on Thursday night, the attack that carried through until yesterday, I had spaghetti squash with organic marinara sauce and a piece of whole wheat bread with less than a teaspoon of butter. I mean, really. And interestingly enough, Hubs and I went out for dinner last night and I had no symptoms at all. And I did NOT have a healthy dinner. But that's the way it's gone for me - my attacks were all after healthy meals, and when I'm on vacation or something and am not eating healthy at all, I have no problem with it. Maybe so much bile is squeezing out that it's just pushing the stones right out of the way. ;) Maybe I need that action in my gallbladder. It may not just be a joke actually, because they did see one stone stuck in the top of my gallbladder during the ultrasound, and I'd hardly eaten anything yesterday until dinner.

Funny story: The ultrasound tech said, "Have you eaten anything today?" I said, "Yes, I had a peach at 12 PM." (It was 4 PM.) She said, "Oh, we really like you to be fasting..." And I said, "Well, it was a peach....4 hours ago....I think it's gone by now." LOL

I also think it's funny when people say that having their gallbladder out made them gain weight. No...you gained weight because now that your gallbladder is out you can eat all the fried, disgusting, fatty shit that you want.

So now you know The Adventures of My Gallbladder. Think goods thoughts for me on the 10th. General anesthesia scares the shit out of me!

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By the way, 230.8 yesterday. That's down 2.8 since the Friday after vacation (last Friday) from 233.6. My metabolism did its job on our vacation and held me pretty steady, though I definitely did gain a bit. That's okay, I'd rather gain a pound or two than get off track completely.

Happy weekend! :)

Linen Pants

2010-07-19T13:56:00.001-04:00

Folks, I'm back from vacation...perhaps not exactly skinnier than before, but definitely back. We had an awesome time at the beach, and I consumed enough calories to power a small village for at least a week. I didn't have any majorly disgusting binges or anything, just a lot of eating here and there, grazing on high-calorie, high-fat, processed crap. I'm actually feeling good about getting back on the wagon, if you can believe that! I'm sure that feeling will last all of a week or so. ;)

Here's the good news though: My linen pants, which I'm not sure if I've referenced in the past, still fit. Quick linen pants back story for you...I bought a pair of these gorgeous, off-white pants about 5 years ago. Linen, no stretch, very pricey. That last fact was unfortunate though, because the pants never fit me. But of course I never took them back - instead, I always told myself that I would lose a few pounds to fit into them and that they would be my motivation...

...hahahaha!!! Oh, that's hysterical. Oh God, ouch...I think my side actually hurts from laughing. Too funny. But that's actually what happened.

So anyway, I've been trying these pants on periodically throughout my weight loss. At one point I couldn't get them higher than my knees. A few months ago I could pull them up over my ass but it looked like I was trying to cram 10 pounds of meat into a 5 pound sack. They zipped and buttoned but I still looked gross. Then about a month or two ago I tried them on again - the number on the scale has essentially been the same since Christmas, mind you - and they buttoned, zipped, AND looked amazing. And so to celebrate the fact that they still fit, I'm wearing them today. :) Comfortable as ever.

I'm back on track today, but it sucks a big one. I'm hungry, I'm low on energy, and the fact that these pants still fit makes me want to go out and have a salty, fatty dinner with Hubs. (I guess so I can eventually make them NOT fit again?) Damn linen pants! They're a double-edged sword.

Official weigh-in this Friday. Stay tuned!

Long Time, No Weigh!

2010-07-06T11:34:00.000-04:00

Get it? Instead of "long time, no see"? I'm so clever! It must be all the glucose feeding my brain.

Okay, seriously now. I haven't weighed myself since June 18th, and I have no plans to do so until Friday of this week, and even then I may not. Why? Well, because I feel fat. Do I think I'm actually fatter? No, not at all. Everything that fit before still fits, everything that was loose is still just as loose. It's clearly psychological - I know that I haven't been following my healthy eating plan as strictly as usual, so I automatically feel as if my face looks fat and I have puffy fingers. It's just the way it is.

I'd been doing fairly well up until the holiday weekend. I'd been getting in my 5-9 fruits and vegetables every day, all of my water, and staying in a reasonable calorie range. Reasonable meaning I'd eat about 800 throughout the day and then just eat dinner without counting. Dinner was never anything like a bucket of fat smeared with butter, so I wasn't worried. But see, then the holiday weekend happened, and holiday weekends are baaaaad. Think beer, mixed drinks, wine, desserts, chips, and ice cream. Nothing in gigantic proportions, but still more than I should have consumed. What can I say? If I get a taste of it I miss it. And I really gave myself license to eat this weekend (up to and including Monday!).

Still though...am I worried? No, I'm not. Am I deluding myself? No, I'm not. I'm not going to gain weight by eating like a "normal" person. "Normal" people allow themselves to indulge and don't worry about packing on 10 pounds in one sitting. "Normal" people know better, and I have to remember that. They know that the give-and-take will be what matters - indulge today, eat healthier tomorrow. Even Steven (Seinfeld reference!). It's all about a give and take, but for us dieters, give and take almost seems like a sin. Clearly we will gain weight if we don't stick to 1200 calories a day that come from only fruits, vegetables, complex carbs, and a touch of protein. Obviously we will beef up to critical mass if we miss a day of exercise or don't drink all of our water or even - *GASP* - eat dessert more than once a week. This will derail us completely and we will gain back all 5, 10, 20, 50+ pounds we lost. We're so unlucky.

Does anyone else find this extreme black-and-white thinking horrifying? Gosh, how much more punitive can we get than when we are chastising ourselves for not being perfect eaters? And look, I'm not saying this to give us all carte blanche to just eat through our pantries or refrigerators or cupboards of shame. I'm not talking about either extreme here - neither the perfect nor the wretched. I'm talking about sometimes relaxing and finding the middle. And let's face it, the middle doesn't always help us lose weight, right? But the middle is what helps us maintain, and maintaining is a valuable lesson in and of itself.

Voltaire said, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Voltaire was awesome for that, and that's become a quote that I apply to many areas of my life.

And before I forget, the lovely Lauren over at Piece of the Pie commented on my last post and wanted to know how dinner was. Truth is, Lauren, I don't remember! LOL It's been so long since I've posted that I can't recall a damn thing. But when I have a fabulous dinner sometime this week I'll give a full report. :)

Happy Tuesday!!!

Food is Love

2010-06-23T14:55:00.000-04:00

Damn, that looks good.

The whole world knows how awesome food is. Most sane, rational people are aware that a delicious meal can turn a bad day into the best day ever. (Or does that just happen for food addicts like me?) If I'm in a rotten mood but know the Hubs and I are going to go for a really good dinner that night, I can get downright giddy. Food is comforting. Every night my sister and I talk on Yahoo Messenger. We've been dieting together for a year now, so we've had lots of conversations about how much progress we're making, how much weight we've lost, and all the other good stuff. Lately though, conversations have been about how GOOD "bad" food is. Pizza, chips, ice cream, fried anything. We say things like, "I can't wait to hit my goal weight so I can EAT." Not meaning that we can eat whatever we want, but that we can eat a brownie sundae once in a while without agonizing over the calorie count in every spoonful. Most of the time I don't agonize, but lately I have been. I have been because the scale isn't freaking moving. It's just not. It's hovering and I'm getting pissed. But see, food is delicious, exciting, and lovely, and it fills an anger-induced hole quicker than you can say, "Can you please pass the lard?"

Here's the truth: I'm tired of dieting. I don't have any desire to go back to eating the way I was prior to a year ago...I really don't. I never again want fast food three times a day. I never again want to eat more than one donut in a sitting. I never again want to consume 1200 calories at breakfast alone. I never again want to be any higher than a 14/16. Trust me...I don't want those things, and they won't happen. All I want to do is relax. I know I can trust myself to eat intuitively - that's not the problem. The dilemma for me is knowing that I can eat intuitively and most likely won't gain weight...but I won't lose it either. And you know, I'm not ready to be done losing. I have approximately 40 pounds to go and I want to get there. And if I put my mind to it, I could probably be there before Christmas. But right now??? Right now, I just want a break until we get back from vacation in 3.5 weeks. I just want to chill the hell out.

So what am I going to do instead? I'm probably going to go on some weird-ass mental boot camp that starts on Monday (of course). 2.5 hours of aerobic exercise a week, 1300-1400 calories a day.

In the meantime, I'm going to have some more water. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Pointing the Finger?

2010-06-20T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm reading a book right now called Angry Fat Girls. I haven't gotten very far, in fact I'm still just reading the Author's Note. I'm still in Roman numerals territory! (You know how, before the "meaty" portion of the book begins, the pages are numbered with Roman numerals? Yes, that territory.) The author is basically writing about her blog and, I suppose, how she came to write the book, though I haven't gotten to that part yet.

Anyway, she's mentioning relapse triggers and she refers to some comments she got on her blog - one woman mentioned she was betrayed by a family member, one talked about being alone on her birthday. Let me tell you what my problem is here, and let me tell you why I think I have the problem in the first place.

I understand the concept of triggers, I really do. But I have a hard time accepting that they apply to overeating. Why? Well, probably because I don't allow that for myself. In my opinion, if I overeat today it's because I made a conscious choice, not because something bad happened to me so therefore I have no control over myself. When I look at it like that, it seems so ridiculous. If none of my friends call me on my birthday and I eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream that night, is that my friends' fault? Of course it's not. It's my fault for choosing that tub of fat to comfort me. Because let's get something straight here: I could very easily have chosen to run a few miles, or take my dog for a walk, or watch a funny movie, or lament to my husband. Instead, while I am totally compos mentis, I decided to weigh down my sorrows with something like 60 grams of fat and 1200 calories.

It's much easier to point that finger, of course. I'd love to not have to take responsibility for gaining weight some weeks, it would make me feel much less stupid. But if we keep saying, "You know what? I'm not going to wear that coat today," eventually it becomes a whole lot easier to make bad choices. If we never have to look at ourselves in the mirror - at what may be a fat, bloated face staring back at us after all the beer we drank, or the belly that hangs over the top of our once-loose pants - we'll just become very comfortable being the victim.

But why would you want to feel so powerless? Why is that a more acceptable option that looking at your chubbly face or your muffin top and saying, Shit, this is all me! Isn't that just so much better? Maybe not on the surface, but if it's nobody else's problem that means that only you can change it. Scary? Hell no! You are in the driver's seat! You get to do whatever you need to do to get to your destination. You get to map out the route that gets you there in the healthiest, happiest way, and no one can get in your way. No one will cut you off, no one will cause a traffic jam, and no one will go too slow in the left lane. You've got open road, my friend. All you have to do is make sure that you have a full tank of gas, wiper fluid, and your iPod. And then you just gotta GO.

And if you decide to make a pit stop and you add an hour to your ETA? Well, own it. Maybe next time you won't stop so damn long.

And with all of that said, I'm choosing to eat a wonderful Father's Day feast today at my in-laws'. My pit stop, if you will. ;)

Happy Father's Day!

Get Foxy? Get Going!!!

2010-06-18T07:44:00.000-04:00

Oh man...I'm the worst. I really am! And it's kind of funny to me that I'm such a big, lazy loser. Allow me to explain.

So, my whole Get Foxy! plan has come to a screeching halt. Why? Meh...because some days I just don't feel like doing certain things. LOL No, really!!! The very lovely and successful Barbara over at the Pound-a-Week blog asked if I was totally giving up refined sugar for the plan. The truth is, Barbara, that I was - I had given it up approximately a year ago when I began losing weight and didn't have it for a few months. It was good for me at that time because I really had to get rid of what I saw as my addiction to white sugar and white flour. It was helpful, and I'd definitely recommend it!

Now, however, I feel as if I have more of a handle on myself. Is this a dangerous thought? Oh, perhaps. But you know, sometimes I really want a sugar-free double chocolate chip muffin, and if I'm not eating refined flour or sugar, I can't have it. Then, in order to make up for it, I graze - I eat a little of this, a little of that, a bite of this - in order to try to put to death a craving that I have for something very specific. But of course, the craving never really dies and I end up eating a bunch of other stuff that's not satisfying me. What a waste, right?

I've also not been completely successful with the exercise, a fact that is not shattering my world. Because really, when I get home at 7 or 7:30 at night and have to get up at 4:45 the next morning, don't think I'm going to spend 30 minutes of my free time exercising. Not going to happen! That time is going to be spent with my husband and my dog, because I can't get that back. And I miss them. So that settles that. But hey, I exercise on the weekends and when I get home early, which is better than nothing. But if my husband is home, we're spending time together. Period!

You might be thinking something like, "Nicole, in the midst of all your rampant failure, are you succeeding at anything?"

Why, yes - I'm very glad you asked. I've been keeping my calorie intake between 1300-1500 a day and I've been drinking my 64 ounces of water every day. You may remember me saying I'd have no more than 1300 calories a day. Well, some days that's just too damn hard, so we're going with 1300-1500. Also, about 90% of my diet consists of whole foods and foods with few, natural ingredients.

And hey, it's working! I'm at 228.5 today, which is a 2.9 pound loss from two weeks ago. Victory! I am acutely aware that I really haven't lost any weight for the past 6 months, but this is not something that concerns me. Why? Well, because my belt has gotten too big for me, and only in the last month. I had to take yet another link out of my watch over the past month. Everyone I see says, "Wow, you've lost more weight!" My parents even said this to me last weekend, and they wouldn't just say it to be nice. If there's one thing I could count on them for it's to be completely honest with me. My mother would have no problem saying, "Wow, you look like you're packing it on," or "So I guess you're done losing weight, huh?" She does it with the best intentions, I'm sure. (Or something like that...LOL)

So anyway...228.5 today. Success! I'm hoping - HOPING! - to be at 220 by the time we leave for our beach vacation on July 11th. It may or may not happen...I'm not sweating it.

Happy Friday!!!

Get Foxy! : Day 2

2010-06-08T20:48:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I don't know how some people blog every day. I'm so damn tired. LOL I had to amend the Get Foxy! plan a bit. Eating under 1300 calories a day is nearly impossible, I've decided. Sooo, we're changing that to 1450.

[x] No more than 1450 calories a day.

[] No refined suar. (Still couldn't mark it! I have one evil muffin left. But hey, at least they're sugar-free. Damn that white flour though.)
[1] Exercise. Five days a week. (Had a nice walk with our dog today! It didn't get my heart rate up as much as the treadmill does, but I only burned 30 less calories according to my heart rate monitor. I guess it was a good workout regardless!)
[] Friday weigh-in

[x] 64 ounces of water

Happy Tuesday, folks!

Get Foxy! : Day 1

2010-06-07T21:21:00.000-04:00

I'm too tired to make this a meaningful entry of any sorts. LOL Just staying accountable here:

[x] No more than 1300 calories a day.

[] NO MORE REFINED SUGAR. Just like how we started out a year ago. No more. If we want something sweet, it has to be organic sugar or non-refined. No exceptions. No white bread, no white pasta, no white potatoes, no white flour. Nada. (Couldn't quite mark this one! I have two sugar-free chocolate chip muffins left that have white flour in them. They're expensive and I'm not throwing them out. LOL I ate one tonight and I have two more left. No other refined carbs today.)

[] Exercise. Five days a week. No less. On those days, eat 300-400 more calories. Make sure to eat the extra calories or we won't burn fat. (Exercise will be Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat, and Sun this week!)

[] Weighing in every Friday, but we've been doing that.

[x] 64 ounces of water every day. EVERY DAY.

Happy Monday!

Get Foxy!

2010-06-06T21:09:00.000-04:00

As of today, we have 5 weeks until we leave for one of my favorite vacations of the summer - the beach! My sister and I want to be as super foxy as possible by then, so we devised a little plan to help us along.

I'm stealing the blog entry idea from a gorgeous, motivated, fit friend of mine who is doing awesome with her weight loss. She's lost over 70 pounds thus far, and she has a little get fit(ter) plan for summer too. So I stole her "list" idea, and also her idea of sharing it on a blog for the world to see. (Or at least the small world of people that read!)

Here are the steps my sister and I are going to take to Get Foxy! by the time we leave for the beach! This is how I presented the plan to my sister, verbatim.

1) No more than 1300 calories a day.
2) NO MORE REFINED SUGAR. Just like how we started out a year ago. No more. If we want something sweet, it has to be organic sugar or non-refined. No exceptions. No white bread, no white pasta, no white potatoes, no white flour. Nada.
3) Exercise. Five days a week. No less. On those days, eat 300-400 more calories. Make sure to eat the extra calories or we won't burn fat.
4) Weighing in every Friday, but we've been doing that.
5) 64 ounces of water every day. EVERY DAY.

Some of these won't be tough for me - the water and the weighing will be fine. The other stuff will be a challenge, but so be it.

My fabulous friend makes these into a list on her blog, and she updates every day. That's what I'll be doing also. I'm an idea thief!

Starting tomorrow, there will be a post a day for then next 34 days. That's a lot of work. LOL

Happy Sunday!!!

$26.25

2010-06-04T22:22:00.002-04:00

I have a real problem with swearing. I enjoy four-letter words far more than I should - I actually get a weird sense of satisfaction when I use one in a sentence. This penchant, however, is generally not socially acceptable and it causes problems in professional environments and also around children. The former reason is why, as a second-year med student, I told my friend Mike to charge me 25 cents every time I used the F word. If I told him to charge me for every swear word I would be much deeper in student loan debt than I actually am, but I figured I had to start somewhere. The F word seemed like the best starting point, as it was the one that raised the most eyebrows. (I had not started using the C word at this point, otherwise that would have trumped the F word.) Long story very short, at the end of a particularly frustrating day, I wrote Mike a check for $26.25. Do that math.

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The Good: Hubs and I have discovered spaghetti squash! Who knew a squash could be SO DAMN SPECIAL?

The Bad: I have my period.

The Ugly: I weighed 231.4 this week. Don't forget that I was 223.8 2 weeks ago.

Let's discuss these in order of importance, shall we?

Spaghetti squash! Good Lord. Go buy yourself a spaghetti squash, cut it in half, scoop out the seeds, bake it face down in about an inch of water on a cookie sheet at 450 for 45 minutes. Let it cool, scrape the squash out, and serve it with spaghetti sauce or whatever you like your pasta with. Because I will tell you, you can't tell the difference. You can't! I don't lie. I couldn't lie about something as serious as pasta, because as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a pasta LOVER. But now that I've discovered spaghetti squash I doubt I'll ever make pasta again. It's 42 calories for a cup of spaghetti squash. COME ON. AND two veggie servings? BE STILL MY BEATING HEART. (Yeah, I meant to use all of those caps. I'm excited!)

My period. Lovely. My hands are puffy and I'm cramping a bit. Oh, and I've been sensitive. Ask Hubs. Oh, and I think it had at least a little to do with my weigh-in. Which brings me to...

...my weigh-in.

Notice that my weigh-in is the least important thing here. Please don't confuse this prioritization with apathy. Here, let me explain.

Refer back to the story at the beginning of this entry. That day I owed Mike $26.25 was clearly not a good day. It was not a victory. You might even say I failed, which I did. I failed to keep a clean mouth. I failed, so I was a failure, right? Well...yeah. It's the definition of the word. So be it. I didn't kick the crap out of myself, I just walked into class the next day and said, "Mike, you're not getting that much money from me today." We laughed, and at this point I'm not sure how much I had to give him that day, but it definitely wasn't $26.25. I didn't think about how many times I swore on that bad day, it didn't keep me up at night, it didn't make me feel like a loser, and I didn't hate myself.

So...BREAKTHROUGH!...why should my weight make me feel that way? Does the fact that I gained 6 measly pounds actually matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, it sucks for my weight loss, no doubt. But my pants still fit. I still look good, because really, who the HELL sees 6 pounds? No one. Not even me.

I'm 6 pounds heavier. I'm not dumber. I'm not a worse person than I was when I was 225.4. I'm not less successful. I don't have fewer friends. My dog doesn't hate me. My family isn't shunning me.

It's 6 pounds, folks. It's not cancer. So we move forward, tweak some things, and do better.

You ain't gettin' $26.25 from me ever again, world. So enjoy your windfall, because it's coming to a screeching halt.

Happy weekend!!! :)

Confessions

2010-05-31T19:47:00.000-04:00

I just ate a pint of ice cream.

Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone. All 1120 calories and 70 grams of fat of it. It's all in my belly.

Wanna know what else is in my belly?

An entire bag of Riceworks Sweet Chili brown rice crisps. All 700 calories and 30 grams of fat.

Thank God I had corn on the cob and only 2 slices of Kashi Mediterranean pizza for lunch. And spaghetti squash with marinara and a leafy green salad (no dressing) for dinner.

What's my problem? It's my mind, that's the problem. My vacation is coming to a close, and I know that tomorrow I have to get back on the wagon. Eating a little more while Hubs and I were away wasn't so bad, given the amount and intensity of the activity we were doing every day. But since Friday I've done nothing but paint our fence and get on the treadmill once.

NOW I'm a little worried for Friday.

All my fault though. We move on, right? Tomorrow's a new day. Felt like I had to confess my "sins" somewhere though.

Sweet Victory!

2010-05-30T16:52:00.000-04:00

Folks, I have been jumping out of my seat for several days. Seriously...it has been just freakin' GLORIOUS.

You wanna know why?

Because on vacation, Hubs and I hiked the Tuckerman Ravine trail (one of the trails that leads to the summit of Mount Washington) up to the Hermit's Shelter for fun. Yes...for fun. We did a 2.4-mile rocky hike - 2.4 miles completely uphill, I should add - for shits and giggles. We gained 1800 feet of elevation over 2.4 miles, which is pretty intense. We did it for 3 reasons: 1) We're hiking to the summit of Mount Washington (4.2 miles - the remaining 1.8 miles after the Hermit's Shelter on the trail is straight up boulder-climbing) this August with Hubs' brother and a few of his friends. 2) It was a REALLY beautiful day and we knew the view from the top would be worth every step - plus, we had done a 2.5-mile hike with a 2100-foot elevation gain two days prior and were proud that we accomplished it. We wanted more! And 3) we wanted to see if we could beat our old time. We hiked Tuckerman 2 years ago in a Mount Washington summit attempt. I was 75 pounds heavier and hadn't exercised since college. It took us 3.5 hours to get to the shelter, and took another hour or two to get one mile up the boulder climb. A mile into that climb we had to turn back because it was getting too late - we weren't making good time.

We weren't making good time because I had to keep stopping. I had to keep stopping because my body physically couldn't take the exertion. I was wheezing, my muscles were aching, I was nauseous, I was dizzy. Looking back, I have to say that it was a wonder I did as much as I did. I told Hubs as we were hiking this time that the only thing that probably allowed me to even be able to hike for 6 or 8 hours straight was that I was really active and strong throughout high school and college. My fat was hiding a pretty good amount of muscle. This may be all that helped me, but I guess I'll never know. Because God knows I wasn't working out or training or anything up until that point. And that wasn't the only hike we'd done...I'd been able to complete some pretty tough ones when I was a chubbly gal. But the Tuckerman Ravine hike was the one that broke me. LOL

This time?

2 hours, 10 minutes. An entire hour and 20 minutes shaved off our time from 2 years ago. Holy shit...I can't express to you how thrilled I was. Really!!! At the beginning of the hike I said to Hubs, "I'm going to say this will take us 3 hours," and that was my mindset. I stuck to that. As we were hiking, Hubs was checking his altimeter, saying, "We're getting closer..." At one point he said, "The shelter should be right around this corner." I said, only half-joking, "Mike, don't lie, please. We have an hour to go." And he said, "No we don't."

I turned the corner and saw the most amazing sight in the world for that moment. The shelter. In all of its pine tree-surrounded, blue skied, snowy peaks everywhere glory. I laughed. It was pure joy for me right then. My mouth hung open for about a full minute, and I was just giddy. I turned to Hubs and said (and pardon my French please...take it in the spirit in which is was intended), "I am f*cking tickled pink right now."

And I was. And I was proud as hell. We did a really intense hike...one that I had associated with no good memories...simply for the fun, for the effort, for the view. No other reason. And it was SO FUN. We laughed on our way up, we joked around, we enjoyed the scenery. Hubs said, "When we go home, look at the pictures and watch the videos from this hike two years ago so you can see how miserable you were then. This is a great victory for you, beautiful."

He was so right.

Stay tuned...next Friday is my post-vacation weigh-in! I ate a lot on vacation, but we hiked HARD for about 4-5 hours a day. I'm not worried.

Happy holiday weekend!

Late Again!

2010-05-16T08:56:00.000-04:00

I'm late posting about my Friday weigh-in again, but that's because I'm lazy. ;) Friday morning I woke up feeling puffy and bloated thanks to my period, so I didn't expect much when I got on the scale. Good thing, because I was 225.4. Ugh! 1.4 pounds up from last Friday, although to be fair, I ate like a cow last weekend. But also, I was feeling more bloated than usual because of my period, so I decided to hydrate really well all day ad stay away from sodium as much as I could. Then I re-weighed myself on Saturday morning with much better results. I always get on the scale three times for an accurate number, and on Saturday morning I got 223.8, 220.6, and 217.6. Three REALLY different numbers, so I decided to stick with the 223.8 for my official number. Not fantastic, but it's still a loss from last Friday! I know it's not much, only 0.2, but it's something. I guess I won't be meeting my mini-goal of under 220 before we leave for vacation on Wednesday, but I'm not going to complain. I feel amazing and I look damn good! LOL

On Friday I fit into a pair of linen pants (with NO stretch) that I've never been able to fit into before. Two weeks ago I tried them on and they zipped and buttoned, but I didn't feel really comfortable in them. On Friday they fit beautifully. I love this.

Happy Sunday!

Fat Fingers

2010-05-09T10:19:00.000-04:00

Oh my. I am retaining so much water! But first, my official weigh-in on Friday gave me a weight of 224. Not bad! It's certainly not a huge loss, but it's a loss nontheless and I'll take it. Especially considering that I ate quite a bit of food the weekend before, and a little bit into the week. Most notably, I had ice cream two days in a row - Sunday and Monday, and Monday I had a delicious pasta dinner at my in-laws. But that's all over now, and I dropped 0.2 pounds.

Now, this Friday I may not be so lucky. Here's the thing. On Friday, it was someone's last day at work and some "kind" soul brought in a tray of muffins. I truthfully only had about a 2-inch piece of a muffin. That was very good. Hubs and I went out for dinner later that night, but I didn't overindulge too badly.

Saturday, however, was my sister's 18th birthday. Big day! So big, in fact, that I celebrated with a bagel for breakfast, pizza and French fries for lunch, the biggest piece of thickly-iced birthday cake that you ever did see, and then I came home to enjoy some Doritos and another little bit of birthday cake.

This morning I woke up and my engagement and wedding rings are barely moving. LOL I feel gross, but not gross enough to not have a piece of cake for breakfast, plus some Doritos at around 9:30 AM. Who does that? Really, who eats Doritos in the morning? I do, apparently. And I can't believe I offered to take a piece of cake home with us yesterday! Gosh, how ridiculous. It's just so damn good.

Today we'll be celebrating Mother's Day with my in-laws (yesterday we celebrated with my mom), and said celebration will include an Italian feast and dessert of some kind.

We all have to live a little, right? I may not be thrilled on Friday, but it is what it is. Life happens, and sometimes I want to enjoy it with food. So sue me. ;)

Taste o' Lard

2010-04-30T22:24:00.000-04:00

Well, I have done it again. It seems miraculous! I'm down 1.2 lbs this week to make me a not-so-obese 224.2. Victory! In case you've forgotten, my mini-goal is to be under 220 for our May vacation. This gives me 20 days to lose 4.3 lbs, which is just about 1.5 lbs a week. It's a tall order, but not unreasonable, so I hope I can make it.

Now onto the good stuff...

Today I did something that I have never done. Never. Never ever, as in, never in my whole life. Are you ready?

I threw away half of a brownie.

I know, folks...I know. Try to breathe. Breeeeeathe.

Here's what happened. I had an awesome day today for reasons I can't quite go into yet lest it backfire on me. But anyway, it was a good day. So what did I do? Well, I decided that I was going to give myself a food treat. (Which, by the way, I think is perfectly, perfectly acceptable. It's no more damaging to treat yourself with a cookie than it is to treat yourself with a massage. I just don't see food as my enemy anymore.) I went to a Borders that was by the spa where I get my pedicures - another exciting part of my day. I LOVE my monthly pedicures! I planned on reading, but I definitely wanted a chocolate-y pastry of some sort first.

When I got up to the register, the brownies looked more chocolate-y and yummier than the cookies, so I went with that. Oh, but before I go into my brownie experience, let me tell you what I witnessed. There was a very homely, kind of wreck-y, older woman in front of me ordering a latte. The boy at the counter asked if she wanted regular or sugar-free syrup. The woman contemplated this for a moment and then, with a huge sigh, said mournfully, "Ohhhh...I'll go with regular........" And kind of trailed off. It was so weird. Then he asked if she wanted full-fat, 2%, or skim milk. She did the same sigh and again in a said, forlorn voice, said, "Ohhhhh....full-fat, I guess......" Pause. "Sometimes you just have to go all the way to get the flavor...." Sigh. It was like listening to Eeyore. Seriously. Just order your sugary, fatty drink and own it. Period. If you want it, you want it. Just drink it. If you feel that guilty about it, then don't. It'll just torture you later. And don't make excuses for what's going in your mouth to perfect strangers. That's a sure sign you're going to hate yourself in about 15 minutes when all that's left are the crumbs.

So ANYWAY. I marched up to the couter and said, "I want that brownie right there," and I pointed to the one that was the biggest and had the most chocolate chunks in the top. When the boy gave me my bag I was pleased to feel the heft - this was going to be a spectacular brownie.

I went and found a chair in a quiet corner where I could enjoy my newly-purchased yumminess and read a magazine. The first thing I noticed when I took the brownie out of the bag was that it was slippery. That might gross some people out, but to me, slippery = buttery, so I was excited. (Hey, I like butter. I was almost 300 pounds last year...of course I like butter.) I couldn't wait to bite into it and get a buttery, chunky mouthful.

Well.

What I got was a lard-y, completely unchunky mouthful. Those chocolate "chunks" on top were deceiving because they were paper thin, and that brownie tasted like goddamn Crisco. I took one more bite to make sure my mouth wasn't playing a trick on me; when I got that lard taste again, I knew I had to stop.

But here's what's weird. A few months ago I would have just kept eating that brownie, lard or not. I would've justified it by telling myself I paid for it, so I shouldn't waste it. (A whopping $2.09!!! *GASP* There are starving children in China! Whatever. It's two bucks, not a life's fortune.) I would've eaten the whole damn thing, and then afterward I would have been totally and completely disgusted. I would have been full of Crisco and I would have hated myself, but I still would have eaten it. Because that's what food addicts do - we eat food that's dropped on the floor, that's too salty, that's too bland, that's too cold, that's too hot. We have no discrimination whatsoever. It's food? Then it belongs in our stomachs. Period.

Not anymore, folks. Because I threw away half a brownie today.

Almost Forgot!

2010-04-25T12:03:00.000-04:00

Friday came and went and I forgot to post the results of my weigh-in! I am down to 225.4; that's 72.8 lbs down from my high weight of 298.2 Ain't that some sh*t.

You know, it's funny...I never realized how crappy I felt when I weighed that much. I didn't notice it until after I'd lost about 30 pounds. Then I kept thinking to myself, Good Lord...you were a mess.

I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded or having the muscles in my legs hurt. I'm not talking about a lot of steps, either - I'm talking about the 15 or so that are in our house. At one of the hospitals where I worked, there was a shuttle to take you from the parking lot to the hospital entrance. I took that shuttle every day. I would wait 15 minutes for it if I had to but I certainly wouldn't think of walking, because if I did I would be sweaty by the time I got to the door, even if it was 50 degrees out. Now when I'm at work (at a different facility), and the guy in the tram stops as I'm walking to the door - a good 10-minute walk, by the way - I tell him, "No, it's okay, I'll walk." And I'm so grateful for the exercise and the fresh air, and I'm so happy that my body can do it. It's as if I know that I can do it, so I should. And that's so awesome.

Some of my shoes used to hurt my feet. I told myself that they were lousy shoes, but really it was just that either 1) my feet had gotten too chunky for them or 2) there was just too much damn weight pressing down to wear those shoes and be comfortable. Try teetering around on 3.5-inch Kate Spade high heels when you're almost 300 pounds. The heels of those shoes are tiny little areas...I don't think they're meant to support that much weight. I'm picturing a stick trying to support a boulder... I wonder why they didn't snap in half. (Now they feel wonderful. You get what you pay for!)

I had a bag of clothes I was going to donate, and I added to the bag weekly. Shirts that were too short, too small, too "tuggy", or "just not right anymore". I kept marveling over how they'd all shrunk in the dryer somehow, despite the fact that I'd been washing and drying them for months. But all of a sudden they shrunk. Of course. That had to be it, because it definitely couldn't have been the fact that I was just too fat to wear them anymore.

The lies we tell ourselves...man. We're so self-protective sometimes that it's astonishing. Anyone on the outside would be saying, "Psst, Nicole...the reason you can't fit into that large t-shirt is because you weigh 300 pounds. You need an extra large, darling." But I was saying, "No, really! Gap is just making their clothes smaller!!!"

Amazing.

Happy weekend!!! :D

The Ugly Truth

2010-04-21T16:49:00.000-04:00

I can't lie to you. I am HUNGRY today. I woke up hungry, which is really not something I ever do. I usually wake up just wanting coffee, and the whole breakfast thing doesn't even hit me until about 2 hours later. But today I woke up with a growling stomach. Like, for real.

I'm trying to figure out why but I haven't so far. Hubs and I did go out for dinner last night, and I did leave stuffed, which didn't make me all that happy. But no matter, it's just one meal. The point is, usually when I've had a big dinner I'm even less hungry for breakfast the next day.

Could it be because it's that time of the month? Sure, I suppose. Happens to a lot of women. It has not, however, been something that typically happens to me. I'll find myself wanting certain kinds foods more, like salty things, but I'm not really hungrier. Today though, the hunger is not my friend.

Despite this, I've done very well. I even came home and ran for 30 minutes even though I detested the idea. I had a yummy Purple Monster after working out, and I've got an Amy's Vegetable Lasagna in the oven right now that will be done in 30 minutes. (Our microwave is being shipped. Hallelujah!) This is all wonderful, so let me not tell you that there were maybe two handfuls of sour cream and onion chips (loaded with MSG) in the pantry, and they were screaming my name so loud I thought I was psychotic, so I ate them. Let me not tell you that. It's not going to ruin my day - I keep my calorie count from 1200-1500, and I will end up closer to 1500 today than 1200. So it's not going to kill me. But that behavior...that stupid, instant gratification kind of behavior...I've got work to do.

Damn you, addicted brain!!! Damn you!

(Happy Wednesday!)

------------------------------------------------
The lovely and successful Barbara over at The Pound-a-Week blog was kind enough to comment on my before and after photos. You're super sweet, Barbara. :) Thank you!!! And I'm glad you like it over here in my tiny little blog world, because I like it in yours as well. Thanks for the feel-good comment...you motivated me to post today!

Before and After

2010-04-17T22:30:00.004-04:00

Okay...before I post these, I just have to say that I can't believe these hideous pictures of me are going to be floating around in cyberspace. LOL I don't think this post needs a whole lots of words, because the pictures surely speak for themselves.

Before:
This picture was actually taken AFTER I started my diet. I think I was about 265 here - July 2009. I almost barfed when I saw this picture. LOL

These pictures were taken 7 months earlier on Christmas Eve, 2008. I was tipping the scales at 298 here, and I'm sure I floated over into the 300 range at some point.

Do you love my fat arm? LOL I've had 4 links taken out of my watch since then.

And that's my beautiful sister with me, though she looks much more foxy today. She's very rock and roll!

And here's the after, at 227.2:

The first three photos are very similar, but I liked them all for different reasons. The first one I liked because it shows my almost-skinny arm holding the camera. LOL The second one I liked because it shows my much skinnier (and stronger!) legs. And the last one shows my great boobs, but the picture quality takes away from that a bit. ;) I had to take them all myself because Hubs wasn't around, so I'm sorry they couldn't be better! I'll have to get some newer ones soon. Definitely when we go on vacation next month - and I have a new mini-goal to be under 220 by then. :)

The last picture was taken maybe 2 or 3 months ago, but there was only a few pounds difference. I thought it was a good pic to show that my face isn't nearly as disgustingly chubbly as it used to be! LOL

Oh, and you know what's awesome? I showed Hubs those before pictures of me, most notably the one of my in the bathing suit. I blew it up really big on my computer too. LOL And you know what he said?

"That's okay, you still looked nice. And look at your boobs!"

While the last comment may be very typical for a man, the first comment is the one that speaks volumes about my husband. He is accepting of so much, and he looks so much deeper than just the physical. And he's gorgeous!!! I think I'll keep him. ;)

4 links out of my watch, 6 inches off the waist of all of my pants, and 4 notches over on my belt. I'm doing okay. :)

Happy weekend!

Lazy!

2010-04-16T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm lazy because I'm not putting up pictures! LOL Gosh, that's so time-consuming. Also, it's a little tough for me right now... I'm working in a state prison this month and can't take any electronics in with me, not even my cell phone. So I can't photograph anything I eat there. :( I'll have to resume next month, maybe...but I'm also thinking that I should stop posting the food I eat. It kind of takes the focus off of what this lifestyle change is supposed to be all about, because it's NOT all about the food. It's about feeling healthy and happy, and living a different life than the one I was living a year ago. I think the focus needs to be taken away from the food a little bit! With that said though, I do still record my food in the LoseIt! app on my iTouch so that I can keep track of my calories. (Calorie-counting works for me...I know some people hate it, but I love it!) And shouldn't that be enough? I'm thinking so.

In any case, I'm down to 227.2 this week! That's a 2-pound loss. I'm going to post before and after pics this weekend, so that'll be fun. ;)

Happy Friday, folks!

Purple Monster

2010-04-13T19:54:00.000-04:00

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to blog tonight! That's because I took Emily's idea for a Green Monster and tweaked it a bit and came up with a Purple Monster! I never saw a Green Monster recipe that looked appealing in any way to me until I came across Emily's. I'm not a big strawberry fan but knew I could substitute blueberries, which I love. Anyway, we'll get there. ;)

Breakfast:

Plus coffee for 225 calories. The eggs were kind of grody today...LOL Hard-boiled eggs certainly are a great protein source and they're super convenient for my commute, but they're were really nasty for me today.

Lunch was boring, but I'm working in a prison this month and it's a real pain in the ass to bring a big lunch in, so I just don't. But the bonus is that I really love these protein bars! I look forward to them...they're yummy.

My commute snack:

Okay. The Purple Monster was SO. GOOD.

1 big handful of spinach (2 cups?)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 medium-sized banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Wish we had the unsweetened vanilla for this, but I picked up the wrong container!)
Ice to the top of the blender

This tasted like banana and blueberry, in that order! The spinach taste was non-existent. Hubs even liked it, and listen...Hubs is WEIRD when it comes to food. He is totally, TOTALLY picky about tastes and textures. I begged him to try the Purple Monster and he took a tiny sip from my glass (only after asking what the ingredients were... ;) )...and then asked for his own! I was proud of him. :) But it also goes to show you how non-weird this tasted!

The Purple Monster has 240 calories and is extremely filling. I don't need dinner after mine, that's for sure. Maybe a snack though. ;) Today I read that only 9% of Americans get in the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables daily. The Purple Monster has 4 by itself!

So excited to find a new food!!! And so easy and packed with nutrients.

Along with an extra coffee today, I'm at a total of 857. Eeek!!! Must have a snack tonight...a muffin, perhaps. And maybe a piece of chocolate. ;)

Goodnight!

It's Over Already?

2010-04-11T20:50:00.000-04:00

In our household, the weekends fly by. Monday comes too quickly...I feel like Hubs and I just live for the weekends!

Okay, food. Today wasn't too bad, suprising given that it was a weekend day! I didn't count calories, per se, but I ate fairly well.

Breakfast was an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, broccoli, and mushrooms, and some home fries. Today was Diner Breakfast Sunday! I love diner breakfasts. This was delicious! So delicious, in fact, that I forgot to photograph it until I was almost finished. ;)

Lunch was a bit tougher than breakfast. A sad, sad thing happened in our lives today - the microwave broke! Hubs and I were extremely busy around the house this morning after breakfast. We cleaned out the attic a bit, I cleaned our entire bedroom (like, including dusting the mouldings...it wasn't just a little tidy job) and did like 5 loads of laundry or something stupid, and Hubs and his dad did some repairs outside on our back deck and fence. It was 1:45 when I realized I was SO ready for lunch. I was starving! Didn't even realize it. So I grabbed an Amy's Veggie Lasagna and stuck it in the microwave for 5 minutes. And after 5 minutes...it came out cold. WTF. At that point, Hubs exclaimed, "It all makes sense now! My coffee was cold after I put it in the microwave this morning for a minute."

Oh, you have got to be KIDDING me. No microwave? I don't cook! What the hell am I supposed to do? I got frantic.

"What am I going to do? I'm trying to lose weight! How am I going to lose weight if I can't make stuff in the microwave?" I was practically yelling. I must have been quite ridiculous...not having a microwave isn't the end of my eating as I know it. It's just that a fair share of what I eat is made in the microwave (steamed broccoli, any frozen things, etc.), and it would be a huge adjustment if it wasn't there. And anyway, the reason it was kind of a big deal in the first place is that we have one of those built-in microwaves. It's not just sitting on our counter where we can just replace it. Replacing our microwave is going to be a three-man job. Hubs assured me that we can get a microwave and just leave it on the counter and use it from there until his dad comes over to help us mount it. I'm scared...but I can handle it.

I decided to use the oven to heat my veggie lasagna. The only problem there is that I was STARVING, and the microwave would've taken 7 minutes as opposed to 50 in the oven. But I wanted that veggie lasagna, damn it, and I was going to have it. So I pre-heated that baby and waited.

And waited....and waited. And got hungry. And got crabby. And waited. Then the oven was pre-heated, so I set the timer for 35 minutes, stuck my food in, and waited some more.

And then I thought, "Hmmmm, I'll have a few chips."

And I did. A handful to keep me from ripping the throat out of the nearest living being.

Here's the lunch I waited so long for:

It tasted a whole lot better than it looked! It was really delicious. Hubs and I even went to the groceery store so I could buy more. (Well, we really went for diet iced tea for Hubs, but I was happy to get more of these!)

By the time dinner rolled around a few hours later, we were both exhausted. We decided to order a small pizza with no cheese, only a little bit of sauce and lots of peppers, onions, and broccoli.

This was like God's gift to me. It really was. It was amazing. Hubs ordered some garlic knots, which I refused to partake of. Until the end of the meal, of course, when I had two very small ones. SOAKED in oil. And you know, I don't regret it, because I was satisfied like I have never been. Delicious!

I snacked on 3 or 4 Harry and David Bing Chocolate Cherries today. I may or may not have a 150-calorie sugar-free muffin tonight. We'll see how it goes.

The only reason I'm grateful for Monday is that it's SO much easier to eat a little cleaner during the week. But hey, we gotta live a little. 90/10. Friday will be fine. ;)

Goodnight all!

Could Have Been Worse, Right?

2010-04-10T21:09:00.002-04:00

Ahhhh, the weekend. A time for sleeping in, reading, relaxing, doing all the fun things you can't do during the week. Oh, and eating. If you're me.

I had great aspirations today. Hubs and I made the 90-minute commute to visit my parents, sister, and brother, and with me I brought my L.L. Bean lunchbag full of acceptable foods - a Greek yogurt, an apple, blueberries, granola, and a Kashi bar should I run into some emergency. Isn't that wonderful? Let me tell you how my day went instead.

Breakfast was a very small piece of a cheddar cheese bagel Hubs picked up on the way. I wanted to try it, so instead of trying it AND having my yogurt when I got to my parents', I decided to have a little piece for my breakfast. Good choice - it was what my body (and mind) wanted, and I was satisfied.

It was good! Worth every calorie. I'm not sure how many that would be, but I didn't do much counting today. (And hey, notice how skinny my thigh is there! Holla!)

Hubs and I were having a good time hanging out at my parents' when I started getting a little hungry around lunchtime. When we go to my parents', we ALWAYS go out for lunch. Our favorite place is a great little pizza place. That's where I wanted to go - I weighed the decision in my mind and tried to decide if I could go without feeling guilty. I decided I could, and I enjoyed lunch without feeling bad.

I decided to start out with a side salad, though no one else did, because I wanted to get in some veggies. The salad had Iceberg and Romaine lettuces, cucumbers with the skin (love that), tomatoes, and shredded carrots. I asked for balsamic vinegar and olive oil on the side and only drizzed about a half a tablespoon of oil and maybe a tablespoon of vinegar on the salad. I thought I would do the fork-dipping method, but they actually brought out glass bottles of each instead of mixing it in a little dressing thingy.

We had a thin-crust, whole wheat dough pizza, very easy on the cheese, and I had mushrooms on my pieces (more veggies!). Each piece of pizza at this place is about half the size of a normal piece of pizza elsewhere; I estimate that I had the equivalent of 3 slices of pizza. (You see, that sounds better than saying I had six of these.) I could have stopped eating about 4 pieces into it, but it was good and I didn't want to stop. Not exactly admirable.

After this, I was feeling full but not grody. Weirdly content, actually, though that's probably not healthy. Hubs, my brother, and my sister piled into Hubs' car to head back to my parents', who drove separately. Everything was fine until Hubs said, "Is there anywhere I can get some ice cream?"

Well.

Of course, Hubs. As a matter of fact, there is an amazing dairy not 15 minutes away that we just happen to LOVE going to. And while I certainly don't need the ice cream, I'll get some. And I'll go all the way.

Behold my scoop of chocolate peanut butter ice cream topped with peanut butter, hot fudge, and whipped cream. Well, you can't behold it because I forgot to photograph it before I ate it, probably because I was too excited to dive into that lovely fat pool. And what I actually photographed was my brother's empty ice cream dish. Mine still had about a half a cup of ice cream left, which I gratefully didn't force down my gullet just because it was there.

After this travesty, I declared to Hubs, "I'm so full. I'll just have a yogurt later if I get hungry and call it a day. Then today won't be so bad."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

On the way home, Hubs decided he had to pee. In Wawa. And he also needed to get a snack. I apparently needed to pass the pastry display, and I apparently needed to buy this caramel-covered, cream-filled donut:

It was really good. I can't even lie.

So, that was all pretty disgusting. About 3 hours after all of this gluttony, I was hungry again. Of course I was - I hadn't eaten anything worth a damn. All of those high-glycemic index foods were messing up my body and my stomach felt empty. I was reaching for a piece of chocolate in our kitchen when I stopped myself and said to Hubs, "Should we just make some dinner?"

And here it is - couscous with some Moroccan sauce, chicken, and dried apricots, courtesy of Target's Archer Farms brand boxed dinners. Suprisingly, the ingredient list was short and the nutrition profile wasn't horrific. Hubs and I are big fans of Archer Farms.

That looks like an enormous amount but it's so not. It's only about a cup of couscous and maybe a half cup of the other stuff.

Oh...and I didn't exercise today.

So hey...today wasn't exactly a victory. But the nice thing was that I didn't feel completely out of control at any point. I certainly made some poor choices, but I didn't feel like I was mindlessly scarfing down food or getting into any crazy shoving-food-in-my-mouth behaviors. So tomorrow I'll be back on track, and I'll get in extra exercise to make up for what I didn't do today. And hey, 90/10 works as long as it's really 90/10 and not 70/30, 60/40, etc. I don't anticipate this ruining my weigh-in next Friday so long as I hop back on that damn wagon. ;)

Happy Saturday!

Oopsy!

2010-04-09T21:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I didn't get a chance to post yesterday evening. When you have to get up at 4:30 AM and are having a late night doing everything else under the sun, sleep takes precedence in my world. ;) But I did great yesterday, even with going out with Hubs, his parents, his brother, and his brother's wife and kids. I had an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, and mushrooms, and a side of bacon. Did you know that bacon isn't as bad as we make it out to be? Each slice only has 45 calories. Seriously, Google it! Bacon is not evil.

Today was also a good day, and I remembered to take pics of just about everything! I'd only eaten about 700 calories by the time I got home from work, but that's because Hubs and I decided to go out for dinner tonight. I was trying to plan ahead a bit by keeping the day a little light. I did NOT count my calories at dinner, but Hubs and I have agreed to one dinner and one breakfast out during the week where I can relax. Notice I didn't say "gorge". There's a big difference!

Some of the pics were taken with my camera, some with my cell phone. You'll be able to tell the difference. LOL Also, my food choices were boring and not very balanced today, and that's because of a lack of planning. Last night got away from me so quickly that by the time I realized I hadn't packed my lunch yet and it was close to 10 PM, I didn't feel like doing shit. If I'm being honest. ;)

Okay, moving on...

Breakfast today:

These are store brand organic brown eggs. I am of the opinion that Eggland's Best organic brown eggs taste better. With a coffee for 155 calories.

Lunch:

Sorry for the fuzzy photo! 270 calories and delicious.

My commute-home snack:

Finally, a little bit of fruit! 205 calories.

(I don't know why this is centered all of a sudden, and I don't particularly care. I'm not going for beauty here.)

Dinner was GOOOOD! We had an onion blossom appetizer, and I had a salad with some dressing on the side, pulled pork, and French fries. Don't judge me, because it was good! I also had a little bit of a peanut butter cup cookie. Here's all the decadent evidence!

Hubs and I each had about a quarter of it. I salted the hell out of the last half because I kept going for little pieces of it! It was awesome.

This salad really did have more than lettuce in it. LOL I ate the good stuff before I remembered to take a picture! There was tomato, onion, and egg. I told them to hold the cheese and the croutons. Blue cheese dressing on the side, of which I used maybe half a tablespoon with the fork-dipping method.

Yummy!!! I didn't eat that bread except for one little bite. The dog got half of the pulled pork, but mama got all the French fries! ;)

The cookie was just okay. Meh. Probably shouldn't have eaten it, but it was pricey enough. ;)

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The weigh-in went well!!! I was 229.2 this morning. That's a loss of 6.4 lbs since Monday! Obviously my body was very puffy. Ah well. It's gone now!

My sister is doing awesome as well. Holla!!!

Happy weekend!

Still Getting Used to This...

2010-04-07T19:26:00.000-04:00

I forgot to take a picture of three of my foods today! It's hard to remember sometimes when my mind is somewhere else. I have to improve on that front for sure.

Today was a good food day, but I was very hungry. I think part of it may be that I was a little under calories last night, even with my snack.

Breakfast today was 2/3 cup of non-fat, plain Fage with1/4 cup blueberries and 1/4 cup MixMyGranola, and 1 cup of melon:

I forgot to photograph the melon! I had it during a meeting at work and it completely slipped my mind. Along with coffee, breakfast was 281 calories.

I forgot to photograph lunch entirely. It was steamed broccoli, peas, mushrooms, and 1/3 cup steamed tofu with about 3/4 steamed brown rice for 358 calories.

Snacks during my commute home were an apple and one of the lemon bars that I made for Easter! Each bar was approximately 120 calories, so my snack was a total of about 197.

My pre-therapy snack (haha, seriously!) was a Clif Z Bar. Chocolate Brownie, of course!

It's a pity I didn't photograph dinner, because it was nice-looking. It was an Amy's Brown Rice and Veggie bowl with about a cup and a half of steamed broccoli. It was Le Yum! 304 calories.

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Last night's snack:

This was an absolutely delicious 1-ounce piece of Harry And David milk chocolate fudge. There was no nutritional info and I couldn't find it online, but Calorie King says a 1-ounce piece of chocolate fudge is 117 calories. Because Harry and David food tends to be a little more...oh, I don't know...sinful than the usual, I called this 200 calories.

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Tonight's snack will be another chocolate chip muffin with a bit of Brummel and Brown. I'll photograph it tonight and post it tomorrow.

That's a grand total of 1433 today. Goodnight!!!

Frankenfish

2010-04-06T20:54:00.000-04:00

Why the title? Who knows. I'm currently reading Frankenstein so that I can discuss its psychoanalytic aspects with one of my supervisors, and I had fish for dinner tonight. And I heard the term "Frankenfish" somewhere... Hubs has been referring to the book as Frankenstuff. We're so weird.

I have to give all you food bloggers credit. I don't know how you take beautiful pictures of your food all day AND get a chance to post them. That's amazing. But anyway, on with the show!

Breakfast was coffee, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1/8 cup blueberries, and 1/4 cup of Cinnamon Omega Walnuts. I've never seen those before except at our grocery store, but they're awesome! Breakfast was 312 calories:

No, that is NOT sugar on the blueberries! They're frozen.

My noon snack was a Clif Z Chocolate Brownie bar again, which I didn't photograph. I forgot...sorry! I'm the worst blogger.

Lunch was delicious...I had a whole wheat bagel thin with a Garlic and Herb Laughing Cow wedge, 1.5 ounces of leftover Easter turkey, and pickled jalapenos, plus a little organic Gala apple. 251 calories:

When I came home, I TOTALLY snuck a bite of the carrot cake I baked! I did photograph it though, and I did calculate the calories per serving just for kicks. That was about 95 calories.

Well, I photographed the whole cake...but trust me on how much I had.

No, I did NOT eat that whole piece out of the corner! Hubs had something to do with that. ;)

Dinner was 7 ounces (!!!) of baked haddock and a cup of steamed broccoli. I honestly thought I only defrosted one 4-oz. piece of haddock, but there was a little one hiding! Rather than toss it, I just ate it. It's good for you! 241 calories:

That's just some Essence of Emeril seasoning on there. Nothing fancy!

However...let's not talk about how I dropped my dinner on the floor thought right before I ate it. I was SO disappointed, because I really wanted that fish. LOL So...I'll tell you what I did. I rinsed the fish off in hot water and threw it in the microwave for 30 more seconds to zap any nasties! LOL I did make some more broccoli though, that was easy. ;) I have no shame!!!

My snack tonight - a sugar-free chocolate chip muffin that they make in my grocery store with 1/2 tablespoon of Brummel and Brown for a total of 172 calories:

With my exercise today (I burned 224 calories running for 30 minutes according to my HRM), I've only netted 965! Eeeek! This will call for a Harry and David snack tonight. ;) I'll let you know all about it tomorrow, and I will have a picture.

Good night, all!

New Day, New Ideas!

2010-04-05T19:19:00.001-04:00

Okay, folks...I've been a bad blogger. (I feel like I've said that before.) But this time I really have, and it's mostly been because I'm lazy and haven't been doing great with my lifestyle change. The truth will set you free!

No, I didn't gain all my weight back. I was 235.6 this morning after a long week of eating bad dinners. Because see, that's been my modus operandi for the last month. I blame Hubs' birthday in March, which set off this wicked cycle of me eating really, really well all day...and then calling Hubs on my way home from work and saying, "Hey Hubs, you want to meet for dinner?"

Dinner out that often is never good.

The lovely Emily over at The Hungry Loft mentioned on my blog a few weeks ago that photographing her food has really helped her. Of course, I can totally see how it would; it makes you that much more accountable for what you're eating, and I think it probably definitely makes you less likely to nibble on something in passing. You have to take a picture of it, after all, and what a hassle that is. As much as I loved the idea, however, I'm lazy. And I also know that with my commute (currently 2 hours) and the fact that I'm not eating lunch this month until my work day is over at 3:30 PM, I wouldn't be able to take nice pictures.

Really? I'm worried about the pictures? What I should be worried about is the fact that I haven't lost a pound since Christmas. As a matter of fact, I've gained 7. (Side note: I've had to tighten my belt and get another link out of my watch, however. A gal I'm friends with who lost 150 pounds says my weight is "redistributing". I hope that's true. LOL)

It was Voltaire who said, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Translated for me: Who the hell cares what my pictures look like? I'm not trying to become the next Annie Leibovitz. I'm trying to lose weight.

With that said, my sister and I are re-committing again (don't judge me) and are photographing our food. Don't mind my dirty counters or my scummy car seats when that's where my food is. Like I said, this isn't to impress you all. It's to keep myself accountable at a whole new level...because really, I would be ashamed if I had to photograph half a bag of MSG-laden Doritos.

To begin...

Breakfast was two hard-boiled organic eggs and a coffee:

No apple though! I decided to keep it for lunch. Had melon instead:

I was almost finished with it when I realized I forgot to take a picture.

Breakfast was 229 calories.

Noon snack, since I don't get a lunch break, was a Clif Z bar. Chocolate Brownie is the most awesome flavor!

When I got to my car at 3:30 this afternoon, lunch was 3 oz. leftover Easter turkey, my apple, and a pack of Trader Joe's Omega-3 Trek Mix:

Lunch was 381 calories.

Dinner! Yay for dinner. It was kind of eclectic, but I had some weird desires tonight. First, I had half a serving of my famously delicious and famously fatty broccoli casserole that I made for Easter:

And oatmeal! My oatmeal was SUPER YUMMY. It was 1/3 cup rolled oats, 1/8 cup cottage cheese, 1/4 cup of my MixMyGranola creation, and a tablespoon of Trader Joe's natural peanut butter:

Dinner was 497 calories.

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My grand total for today is 1227 thus far. I will have a little snack tonight, but I'll add it to tomorrow's entry. Also, I was going to work out tonight until I got home late after getting pulled over! Ugh...don't speed. It's bad for you. So no workout tonight, but that means there's definitely one for tomorrow.

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By the way...please go visit my sister's blog and show her some support! She's in this with me, and she's a huge source of inspiration for me.

Weigh-in is this Friday. Wish us luck!

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Update:

I decided to post my snack tonight. Hubs bought me some awesome chocolate for Easter from Harry and David's, and there's no way I giving it away! LOL I treated myself tonight to one milk chocolate-covered graham cracker for 140 calories:

This brings me to a grand total of 1367. Goodnight!!!

facepalm

2010-03-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I'm so ASHAMED!

I had an absolutely horrible food weekend. LOL I really, really did. So horrible, in fact, that I may skip the scale tomorrow morning. I know that's bad...don't judge me.

Friday night Hubs and I went out with friends of ours - our chiropractor and his wife, actually. We went to an amazing restaurant that he raved about a few months ago and really enjoyed it! It was Mexican food, absolutely freakin' delicious. We had tableside guacamole, I had a chicken burrito, we also shared some Mexi-Fries...oh, and I had TWO margaritas. Count 'em...two. One Key West frozen maragarita, which tasted kind of pina colada-y, and an avocado margarita. I know that sounds bizarre, but it was so great! And I comforted myself by thinking of the health benefits of the avocado. ;) For dessert I had one scoop of fried ice cream.

Saturday was Hubs' birthday celebration with his parents. Oh God, I was a disaster. Lots of cheese and crackers before dinner, and 3 glasses of wine... Dinner was a scoop of eggplant parm and a rather hefty scoop of rigatoni with meat sauce. Dessert was chocolate cream pie.

Christ almighty...writing this all out makes me feel even worse! LOL

Today I said "Screw it." That wasn't smart. Breakfast was coffee, then Hubs and I got busy with errands. Lunch was some leftover eggplant parm. I had a mid-day snack that was actually a very healthy sandwich, only about 200 calories - it was all-natural turkey breast (40 calories), a Garlic and Herb Laughing Cow wedge (35 calories), lettuce, and pickled jalapenos on a whole grain bagel thin (110 calories). Dinner was leftover rigatoni with meat sauce, but a pretty small portion...and kale chips!!! Oh my God, YUMMY. Hubs and I made those for the first time last week and we can't get enough! Not a bad snack to love, that's for sure. We simply rip off the leaves, spray them with a tiny bit of organic olive oil, and sprinkle them with sea salt. Bake at 375 for 15 minutes. Amazing!!!

There were a few piece of chocolate peppered in throughout the day...and a few Doritos. *hides in shame*

You see? Tomorrow has to be better, no excuses. But no weigh-in either...I can't do that to myself. I know it's terrible to skip...I'll never do it again!

Happy Daylight Savings!!! :D

My Happiness Project

2010-02-28T12:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am starting a happiness project. I wish I could take credit for this idea, but it's borrowed from an author named Gretchen Rubin who wrote a book called The Happiness Project. She devoted a year to it, and took each month to work on something in her life that would bring her happiness. I don't have the resolve at the moment to map out a whole journey for a year, but there are things I can do to make a difference.

Today, Hubs is taking me to a bookstore so that I can buy a journal - something pretty or funky or thought-provoking or with character - and a nice pen. Why? Because every day I am going to commit to writing down one happy moment. Just one, and it can't be "coming home to my husband" or "being greeted by my dog". The idea is to force myself to look for happiness in common situations, in the tedium of life. It's one thing I can do that will force me to change my perspective; it will allow me to channel the optimist that has always been in me that I seem to have lost lately. That's number one.

Number two is going to a gadget store after the bookstore to buy a good, small camera. I'm quite a good photographer, if I do say so myself, and I would love to hone my skill. I have a fantastic camera, but it's big and bulky what with the big lens and all the bells and whistles and such. It's a wonderful camera, but it's challenging and not always practical to take it along with me in my purse (and it certainly doesn't fit in my pocket), and I mostly reserve its use for vacations and purposeful photography situations. This new camera is going to be one that I carry at all times. Why? Because life is beautiful right now, everything about it...and someday it may become difficult to remember all of these great times. I want to document something every day that captures the essence of my life, and all of the beauty and gifts that are a part of it. At least one picture a day...that's what I'll commit to. It will also be nice to have the camera with me when I see something in an uncommon place that really sings to me. I'm excited just thinking about it.

Just a Thought...

2010-02-27T09:16:00.000-05:00

...and maybe not a great or healthy one, but a thought nonetheless.

Although my official weigh-in day is Monday, I do typically weigh myself throughout the week to see how I'm doing. I've been really discouraged this week because my weight will NOT seem to budge. It's wonderful that I'm maintaining, but I don't want to maintain. I want to lose.

Looking back, I've been maintaining since Christmas. That's over 2 months, and that doesn't make me a happy camper. I've been trying to think of what's been different, what could be causing this. My first 60 pounds came off so easily and now I'm stuck. And it's not that I'm so skinny now that my body requires so few calories that the weight will come off slower; I still weigh approximately 230 pounds, let's not forget that. (Although I look fabulous! LOL)

Well, going back 2 months takes me to when I started exercising. Can you believe that? I would think that would help my weight loss and it hasn't done anything. I feel better, and my body is certainly in better shape so I will continue to do it, but it hasn't done anything for my weight loss.

Here are my thoughts on it:

1) Although the treadmill AND my LoseIt app show about the same number of calories burned per session, they both may be inaccurate. I did order the Acumen Eon Basix Plus Heart Rate Monitor which will give me a much more accurate value for calories burned, so I guess we'll see how different it is.

When I exercise, I eat more calories that day to give me a decent net of around 1300 calories. I suppose if I'm only really burning 300 and I'm eating 400 to make up for what the machine and my app tell me I've burned, that could be a problem.

2) Hubs says, "Maybe you're building muscle." I don't know how much I believe that, and I don't think it's what has kept me from losing for 2 months.

I'm almost inclined to stop recording the calories burned while exercising, regardless of how many it is. That means that there will be days when I eat well under my goal of 1300 a day, but I kind of don't care right now...and the fact that I don't care is really screwed up.

Needless to say, I'm very frustrated today. I almost want to take this weekend off from counting calories - NOT to go crazy and binge on everything in the house, but just to give myself a damn break and to keep me sane - and re-commit on Monday. I realize that this is counterproductive; I certainly won't weigh less on Monday if I don't keep track this weekend. But you know, at the moment I feel like I'm going to go nuts if I have to weigh or count one more thing this weekend. Le sigh.

Breakfast so far was good - coffee with less than 1 Tbsp organic H&H (35 calories), and nonfat, plain Fage with blueberries and my granola mix from Mix My Granola for a grand total this morning of 263 calories.

Grrrr. Mama's angry!!!

Food Scales

2010-02-25T19:25:00.000-05:00

Out there in the food/diet blog world, there seems to be controvery surrounding the use of food scales.

Some people argue that they turn people into calorie-obsessed monsters who can't possibly live a balanced life if they're weighing their food all the time, for crying out loud. It's only a few extra calories - give yourself a break!

Other people say hey, screw measuring cups and eyeballing; they're not always accurate. And yeah, calories do make a difference whether you like it or not, and there are a lot of calorie-dense foods that are easy to overdo (think nuts, cheese, nut butters, avocado).

Ever see this video?

I have to just say, I'm with the group that says screw the measuring cups. Because you know, extra calories can make a difference if you're working towards a goal. An extra 300 calories (which is VERY easy to hit) every day for two weeks leads to over a pound in weight gain. I'm too lazy to do the exact math, but that's over 26 pounds gained in a year. And when you're trying to LOSE, doesn't this seem to be a bit silly?

I recently bought the EatSmart Precision Pro Digital Kitchen Scale. The first thing I did was measure a serving of baby carrots. Not exactly the most calorie-dense food, and a few extra probably really wouldn't make a difference, but I was packing them for my lunch so I figured, What the hell. According to the package, 14 carrots is 35 calories.

Wrong. Because when they're weighed out on the scale (in grams), 10 carrots is 35 calories. I didn't even look to see how much my measured tablespoon of peanut butter was; I just went to the food scale right away for it when I had it with my oatmeal tonight. I don't know that I'll ever use a measuring cup/spoon again, to be quite honest. And let's not forget...working towards a weight loss/gain goal should be something temporary. Once you're in maintenance, a food scale shouldn't be necessary anymore unless there are some other factors coming in to play.

I can certainly understand both sides of the debate, however, some people really love to make sweeping generalizations. Just because someone doesn't use a food scale for fear of relapsing into disordered eating, or for any other reason that they have, doesn't make them irresponsible dieters who will NEVER lose weight because they just aren't keeping track, damn it! Similarly, those of us who do use them aren't always crazed calorie-counters, calculating the calories in every molecule of scented air we breathe in and maniacally measuring every morsel of food in our kitchen like a chemist measuring chemicals in a lab. We all do what works for us, and unless we're engaging in dangerous food habits or destructive patterns, each of us is probably the best judge of what our own bodies (and minds!) need.

Just some food for thought on this snowy Thursday. ;)

**I use the term "dieters" for lack of a better word. It's not my favorite term, because I feel like it trivializes what should be a lifestyle change...but it's easier to use. At least for me. ;)

Good Morning?

2010-02-25T09:13:00.001-05:00

Of course it's a good morning. It's always a good morning when I get another chance to face another day. I will always try to be grateful for that simple thing everyday.

But did you ever wake up with a pounding headache? I think this is the third time in my life it's ever happened to me. What a shame...really puts a damper on things. I'm hoping that I just need coffee, which I'm drinking now. I'm hoping that will take care of it. (Because being addicted to caffeine isn't a problem, right?) I also just had some breakfast since I woke up ravenous for some reason - a cup of Barbara's Shredded Spoonfuls and 1/4 cup of raw muesli with 1/2 cup of almond milk. It was VERY yummy.

Plans for today? Well, it's a snow day. 1-2 more feet here in good old northwest New Jersey. To me, this is the best part of Jersey to live in - it's very rural, very non-New Jersey. I have cows at the end of my road, which is somewhere 2.5 miles down. I have no close neighbors. It's wonderful. But with that said, we usually get more snow than all other parts of New Jersey, except when some weird southern coastal thing comes and hammers south Jersey (...where I work, of course. I can't get away.).

So today is a snow day. I will be drinking my coffee and trying to muster up the motivation to run. Whether I muster it up or not is irrelevant, because I'm going to do it anyway. I'm also going to write, and I can only hope that my creative juices flow.

Good News!

2010-02-22T09:08:00.000-05:00

I figured out how to maintain my weight! The trick is to eat really well during the week and then just about completely screw up on weekends. Works like a charm!

...Too bad I'm not trying to maintain, eh? LOL

It's true though. Weighed myself this morning and I'm still the same weight as I was last Monday. The culprits? Probably the French fries and nachos on Friday night, the tortilla chips on Saturday night, and the lemon bar last night. I knew the scale wouldn't show a drop this morning, and I suppose I was okay with it because I ate all of those things anyway! LOL Oh, and Valentine's Day candy here and there throughout the week...that's gone now, thank God. It was in my belly. ;)

So, this week I have to do better, that's all. I'm going to hydrate well today and re-weigh tomorrow, because I do feel like I might be holding on to some fluid from all the salt I consumed. Dining out 3 times in 3 days will do that to you. But hey, I didn't gain, and I got my exercise in this weekend even though I didn't want to do it, so that's good. And I know that life happens (holidays, dinners out, etc.) and I tend to give myself a break on stuff like that because it's going to be there forever. BUT...if I want to see the numbers drop, I need to do better. So this is going to be a good week!

I'm home from work today, so I've only had a coffee thus far. Breakfast will be a fat-free muffin Hubs and I bought from the store yesterday - not exactly the most natural product, but sometimes I want a muffin and don't want to use 400 calories for it! So a muffin it is, for 150 calories and about the same number of ingredients. LOL Lunch will be sushi (280 calories), and dinner will most likely be either an oatmeal concoction or a rice and veggie combo. We'll see. Will I work out today? Meh...maybe. LOL Too tired at the moment to even think about it, need to finish my coffee. ;)

Happy Monday!

Holy Cannoli!

2010-02-18T20:09:00.001-05:00

Oops, sorry for the food title. ;)

Man, I've been wicked busy! I need to start blogging more, I'm taking too much time off. I'll do better from here on out!

Weird thing about today? I actually WANTED to get home and run on the treadmill. Isn't that bizarre? I was driving home (90 minutes, thank you very much) not exactly thrilled about the prospect of getting on the treadmill tonight, but I found myself thinking, Hmmmm...I wonder if I could go even faster tonight... That thought motivated me; it was almost as if I had a little friendly competition going on with myself. Is that a strange reason for wanting to exercise? I mean, most people want to do it because they're "addicted" or something...I don't know what that's all about. LOL But anyway, I ran so fast and so hard that I thought I was going to barf, but I feel really awesome tonight. Bonus!

I had a really good food day today, very satisfying.

Breakfast: Fage 0%, 1/4 cup blueberries, 1/4 cup Trader Joe's Nutty American Trek Mix; Caramel Vanilla coffee with organic H&H

Lunch: organic apple, baby carrots, Cashew Cookie Larabar

Snack: Chocolate Brownie Clif Z Bar (YUM!)

Dinner: Veggie pizza - thin crust with pizza sauce, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and broccoli; NO cheese (420 calories for a HUGE portion!)

Snack: 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1 cup Shredded Spoonfuls cereal, 1/2 cup Kashi Autumn Wheat, and 1/8 cup of blueberries

All of this for a total of 1465, but with my workout, I only netted 1135. Eek, a little low. Nothing a small piece of Valentine's Day chocolate won't fix! ;)

Cheers!!!

FLIPPING. BUGGER.

2010-02-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

228.8 today. A loss, though not a huge one. But given the weekend and it's celebrations, I'm stoked! :)

What I'm not stoked about? The fact that I just SCARFED down a quarter of a bag of Baked Doritos. Baked, fried, doesn't matter. Still crack to me.

And all this after a lovely dinner of fresh, baked tilapia and steamed broccoli.

Bugger.

On Writing (Not Weight Loss)

2010-02-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

Well, this isn't about my weight loss at all! But I guess I can tell you that Hubs and I celebrated Valentine's Day last night with a delicious Italian meal, complete with dessert, and today we celebrated my father-in-law's birthday, complete with dessert. ;) I ate a lot last night and this evening, but I'll be back on track tomorrow. If there's damage, there's damage. Life happens sometimes! I did try to make good choices, but it definitely wasn't low-calorie.

Okay, on writing...

I am currently writing a book. It is a memoir, and it is hilarious. I'm approximately 60,000 words in and probably have about 30-40,000 more that need to come out. My goal is to get published and then be asked to write more! My dream is to become an author, which is why I say that I'm a doctor just to pay the bills. Being a doctor is rewarding, and I suppose on some level it's noble, but a writer is what I really want to do with my life.

I guess that's all I had to say. Just wanted to get it out somewhere! LOL

Shopping at Gap

2010-02-09T19:03:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about Gap.

First and foremost, I got a pair of trousers today that were marked down to $12.97 from $69.50. I'm not kidding. I LOVE Gap trousers, but they are pricey little buggers. But $12.97? Be still my beating heart.

The really awesome thing about today was that I discovered that I fit into a size 14 at Gap. This is awesome because I have five pairs of pants at the tailor right now getting 5.5 inches taken off the waists; two pairs are Gap trousers. Both are a size 20. TWENTY. And now I'm a 14, and that is freakin' cool. You can buy so many more pairs of pants when you're a 14. Oh, and my shirt size is a loose L Tall now, down from a tight XL Tall.

People were right about this calorie-counting thing. It works.

;)

A Fishy Weigh-In

2010-02-08T19:54:00.000-05:00

Well, not really. I mean, they're two separate things here, but I thought it was a catchy title. ;)

What was fishy? My fish!!! Why is this exciting? I'll tell you. Hubs hates fish. HATES. He can't stand the smell of it, and he seems to have a really sensitive nose for it. The problem for me? I love fish. As much as Hubs hates it, I love it.

I have not bought fish for this house in the 3.5 years I've lived here. I just occasionally ordered it when we went out to restaurants, but otherwise...none. Because here's the problem...I can't always count on myself to cook. So if I go to the grocery store and buy fresh fish, I may or may not cook it that night. Or the next night...or even the next 5 nights. Whether or not I put effort into cooking something is directly proportional to my day at work, and that's usually unpredictable. If I don't cook it, it sits in the freezer and eventually gets freezer burnt, rendering it inedible. (I used to have a FoodSaver but it broke. I'm not buying another one just to freeze fish. LOL) Also, I swear...Hubs would be able to smell fish every time he opened the refrigerator for days afterwards, I just know it.

So color me freakin' excited when I found a package that has three separately vacuum-packed fillets in it! Oooooh, mamma mia!!! I bought some haddock and tilapia, and last night I stuck a haddock fillet in the refrigerator to thaw for today. If I didn't want it, I'd have thrown it back in the freezer. (If it's vacuum-packed, I don't really care about freezing and defrosting over and over. Is that bad?)

It was so yummy! I baked it with a little Essence of Emeril because that's what we had in the pantry, not because I knew what I was doing. It smelled great as it was cooking though, so I figured it was all right. Then I steamed a cup of broccoli and heated up 3/4 cup of Kashi Fiery Fiesta rice. Mixed it all together and OH MY GOD, it was awesome. All for only 300 calories! No...seriously. ;) On the side I had one Archer Farms Parmesan Twist for an other 45 calories - those things were sent to Earth directy from heaven. Hubs sat in the sunroom with me with his shirt covering his face. :p Not kidding.

The rest of the day was awesome! Fage and Trader Joe's Nutty American Trek Mix for breakfast, and a Clif Z Bar, baby carrots, and a V8 Fusion for lunch. My snack during my commute home was a little organic gala apple and a 100-calorie portion of almonds. I only totaled about 1200 calories today, so I'll be having another small snack tonight. Not sure what yet!

------------------------------------

My weigh-in was super cool this morning. :) 229.4 today, which is a 4.4-pound loss from last Monday! Don't be alarmed though...my period is finally over. ;) Felt good to pee out all of that water. LOL

That's a total of 69.2 pounds lost!
------------------------------------

Cheers, folks! :)

Exercise

2010-02-05T11:29:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing: I hate exercising.

I do. I hate it with a passion. I have been exercising for 2 months now (give me a gold star, right?), and I can tell you that in no way am I "addicted" to it. It takes every ounce of resolve I have to drag my ass downstairs to our treadmill. I then have to find it in me to get ON the treadmill, crank that baby up to 5.5, and run.

It sucks.

But I will say this... The way I feel after I exercise is amazing. My body feels good and healthy, my lungs feel like they can take in more air. My muscles hurt, but it's a good hurt; they're telling me that they appreciate the chance to work, that they are glad for the chance to get healthier, too.

Two days ago at work I had to climb two flights of stairs. To those of you who have always been physically active, this prospect is barely a blip in your very active radar. But for me it's a big deal. I work in a hospital, and we're always going from floor to floor. I'm not going to be the only doctor that takes the elevator to go from the first to the third floor. But in the past, I would do that if there was no one around. Or if I could think of a good enough excuse, like I hurt my knee (not) exercising the weekend before. Some lie that would make it sound like I was wounded in battle, and of course for the greater good. But really it was just that I was a cow, and I'm not really sure who I thought I was fooling back then.

But anyway, yes...the stairs. I climbed them with a colleague of mine, a doctor 4 years older than me and very fit. I thought to myself, Don't even breathe heavy, Sunshine...Don't even break a sweat.

And you know what? I didn't. HE did, but I didn't. I got to the top of the steps and the muscles in my legs didn't hurt, they felt strong and reliable. My lungs felt even more clear, like I had gotten the chance to move some of the stale air that had been collecting in the bottom of them after I had been sitting and looking through a chart for a good 20 minutes. I used to ALWAYS sit around, and for a lot longer than 20 minutes. I can't imagine how desperate my lungs were for a fresh, deep breath.

This is why I exercise. Do I like it? Oh, hell no I don't. Do I think it's impacting my weight loss? Honestly, not really. But the feeling...that's incomparable.

Happy weekend!!! :D

Balls!

2010-02-01T19:29:00.001-05:00

I'm still 233.8. But I'm totally not upset. Know why? Because I didn't gain, and I had been going a little overboard before I recommitted recently. But it's okay! Because everything is going well. :)

Today I had a horrible coffee and a Clif Z bar for breakfast. Lunch was Fage 0%, 1/4 cup Nutty American Trek Mix, and a V8 Fusion. Snacks on my commute home were an apple, baby carrots, and a Light Babybel cheese. Dinner was an Amy's veggie burrito; for after-dinner foodage I had some peanut butter crackers and a Trader Joe's Cranberry Apple Bran muffin. They are SO GOOD.

This was all for a total of 1275. Who's complaining? Not me!!! :)

Also, I have to put this in... I won my first contest EVER over on Monica's blog. Go visit. It's lots of fun over there!!!

I'm the Worst!

2010-01-31T09:44:00.001-05:00

What a horrible blogger I've been! Gosh, it's been over a week. I swear I'll never do that again!

I had a really great week and I'm feeling newly committed. My sister, who is with me on this weight loss journey, and I had a big conversation last weekend. She's been having a hard time staying on track, which I can completely relate to. My weekends had turned into all-out foodfests, and while it didn't make me gain in the grand scheme of things, it sure wasn't helping me lose. After talking, we both realized that we had to stop making stupid decisions and really just give this damn thing our all. Christmas has passed, I have no longer-than-a-weekend vacations coming up until May, and that means there aren't any really challenging "eating occasions" to contend with any time soon. We each only have about 40 pounds to lose - we could do that in 5 months if we work hard. That's 20 weeks! That's NOTHING! And by the time summer and our beach vacation roll around, we can be FINISHED. That's enough motivation to recommit and start kicking it up a notch.

So what are we doing? Well, the Friday weigh-in is gone for good. Looking back at that decision, it was made out of a very non-committed place. If I weighed myself on Friday, I could have a really lax weekend and then do a stellar job during the week. By the time Friday came, my weekend weight would most likely be gone and I would see probably a pound less on the scale. While that might be an easier and more fun way to go about my diet, it's not exactly healthy...and it's not changing my eating habits much either. And when it comes down to it, this is a "lifestyle change", in the immortal words of dieters everywhere. But it really is.

SO. Weigh-in day is back to Monday, and if I screw up over the weekend, well, I have to be accountable to myself, to Hubs, to my sister, and to the public. And when you're going to broadcast your weight for the world to read, you don't want to do a crappy job. I don't want to do a crappy job for myself either, but sometimes I need a little more motivation than that! Especially since I'm feeling really good now, looking good in all of my clothes that didn't fit before, and being happy with what I see in the mirror. But even though 230 pounds looks okay on me, it's still not a number that I want to see on the scale, nor do I want my doctor to see it. Because regardless of whether or not I look good, I know the weight's not healthy.

Speaking of healthy, Couch to 5 K is going great! I ran my longest interval yet yesterday, and while most of you runners would laugh, 5 minutes is a long time for me. LOL I've said it before, but it bears repeating...I'm so proud of what I can do. I really am! Today will be running for 8-minute intervals, so it will definitely be challenging for me. But I can do it, and that's amazing for me.

Today so far I had my favorite new breakfast combination: Fage non-fat yogurt with 1/4 cup blueberries and 1/4 cup Trader Joe's Nutty American Trek Mix. Plus a coffee with organic half and half, all for a total of 290 calories. This afternoon we're heading to my in-laws to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday. My mother-in-law is awesome and knows I'm dieting, so she'll be grilling some chicken and having veggies and a salad along with some of the other stuff I'll avoid, like spare ribs and mashed potatoes. She's also making a pistachio cake for my brother-in-law, which thankfully I don't care for so I won't be tempted! I may have a taste of the icing though. I have to be honest with myself. ;)

I'll be back tomorrow with the numbers. Enjoy your Sunday! :)

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Oh, one important addition... I took 5 pairs of pants to the tailor last week, because obviously I need them taken in. He is taking 5.5 inches off the waists. That's victory!!!

Treating Myself

2010-01-22T18:40:00.000-05:00

Gosh, I've been away so long! Sorry about that. Life got in the way a bit, but now I'm back.

Life getting in the way can be a real bugger sometimes. My hurdle was in the form of an acute gall bladder "attack" on Monday night, into Tuesday morning. Why did I have that attack? Probably because I treated myself to a bit of ice cream after my workout. That'll learn me, I guess. On Tuesday, after spending too much of our time in the ER, I decided to not count my calories that day and eat what was comforting to me and to my stomach. I can't remember what I had all day, but it was mostly carbs; I remember having a bagel, and one and a half plain pancakes. Otherwise the week was stellar! I've been getting in 5-7 fruits and vegetables a day which is something I've never done prior to a few weeks ago. I've been getting creative with my meals and discovering what satisfies me and what doesn't, and what holds me over from one meal to the next. I won't go into huge details here, but let's just say that I've found Trader Joe's Nutty American Trek Mix, and mixed with some Fage...life is good.

So...why did I weigh 233.8 today, a 1.2 (I think) increase from last week? Well, part of it is my crazy uterus and its even crazier IUD - I'm getting my period again. Part of it also is that when I weighed myself this morning, I hadn't shat in about 3 days. That's been taken care of, thank you very much. But part of it - let's be honest here - is that I PIGGED OUT over the weekend. Dinner out on Saturday, a social gathering on Sunday complete with a cheese and nut tray, food from a great Italian restaurant, and two AMAZING desserts I made and brought to the party - S'mores cupcakes with cream cheese icing and salted fudge brownies. They were SO good, and I have to tell the truth...this weekend was worth EVERY calorie I consumed. It really was.

My Couch to 5K running is going great, much to my surprise! Just did Week 4, Day 1 today, and it was probably the toughest workout for me yet. Partially because it's just harder than the first three weeks, but also because I had a little snack right before my workout and ended up with an awful cramp in my stomach! I'm really sensitive to that...I should know better.

But getting back to the title...

Why is it that some people seem to get...I don't know...critical?...after you've lost weight? It's like people were happier when you were fat for some reason, and they didn't feel the need to be judgmental or ask questions that are bordering on being nasty. For instance, today at work someone brought in a gorgeous spread of cookies. Oatmeal raisin, white chocolate macadamia nut, and chocolate chip. I had dark chocolate in my trail mix today so I wasn't feeling it too much, but the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie was calling my name. I said, "Oh, those cookies...they're killing me!" This was after I ate a quarter of one; I knew if I didn't have a bite, I would eventually ransack the tray! LOL One of the older gals, the unit secretary, was in earshot and got this really disgusted, kind of haughty look on her face and said, "What? Don't you ever TREAT yourself?" And she chicken-necked at me. I'm sorry, but she did.

And I said, "Of course I do, if it's worth it. That's why I ate a piece of that cookie."

She said, "Just a PIECE? Can't you have the whole thing?"

Well...of course I can have the whole thing. But I don't want to. Because if I can be satisified by a piece, why should I eat the whole thing? If I "treated myself" every time I saw a piece of chocolate, or a pastry, or a cookie, I wouldn't have lost any weight. Treats are just that - they're treats. They're not snacks, they're not meal substitutions, they're not desserts. They're treats. And if you're treating yourself all day, every day, or after every meal, then it's not a treat anymore. It's just a part of your regular diet now. Just like fast food, chocolate, and cookies were a part of my diet before. Why does this seem to bother people so much? I don't judge ANYONE for what they eat, so why should I be judged for what I DON'T eat?

Also? Love this one. "How much more weight are you going to lose??? You're starting to look sickly."

I'm 233.8 pounds. That's hardly sickly. It's like people aren't happy unless you're busting out of your clothes and can't fit into chairs.

Anyway...there's my rant. LOL Sorry!

------------------------------------------

Current Weight: 233.8

High Weight: 298.6

Goal Weight: 190

Total Lost: 64.8

------------------------------------------

Okay, so I'm hovering. ;) But hey, I'm working through it!

Cheers!

Please God...

2010-01-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

I don't want to talk about it.

Tomorrow's a new day.

YUMMMMMMMMMY!!!!

2010-01-13T21:04:00.000-05:00

Oh my God, let's just talk about all the food I ate today. All the GOOD food!

I've really been getting creative with my foods, trying to get in more of the fruit and veggie food group and trying to pack in superfoods whenever I can. I'm really proud of myself today!

Breakfast: 270 calories

Fage nonfat Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup pumpkin, and one organic banana
Coffee with organic half and half

Lunch: 376 calories

Trader Joe's small pita, 2 ounces grilled chicken, guacamole
1/2 cup blueberries
5 Back to Nature stoneground wheat crackers with 1/4 Tbsp Trader Joe's organic PB

Dinner: 370 calories

3/4 cup brown rice, 4 ounces grilled chicken, 1 cup steamed broccoli, and a bit of olive oil

Dessert: 308 calories

Fage, 1/2 banana, 1 Tbsp chocolate chips, 1 whole graham cracker (4 little rectangles)

Snacks:

Clif Z Bar, chocolate brownie flavor - 120 calories
V8 Fusion Pomegranate Blueberry - 100 calories (Don't usually like drinking my calories, but this was healthy, delicious, and FILLING!)
Trader Joe's Dark Belgian Chocolate Wedge - 35 calories (YUM!)

------------------------

Total calories: 1544

Calories burned on the treadmill (Yay for Couch to 5K!): 216

Net calories: 1328

1328!!! For all of that food!

That's 5 veggies and 3.5 fruits. Go me!!!

Bugger!

2010-01-11T22:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't had any comment links on my last few posts!

Dang it. But no one was probably trying to comment anyway! LOL

Oops!

2010-01-09T12:44:00.000-05:00

Totally forgot to post yesterday, and it was official weigh-in Friday! Sorry.

The week went very well for me. Lots of good food, plus I'm trying to be more conscious of getting my vegetables in. People aren't lying when they say if you don't think about it you might not get them in. I realize that I went days on end without eating one vegetable. Lovely!

Most days were the same for me this week: Ezekiel bread with natural peanut butter, nonfat plain Greek yogurt with blueberries for breakfast; Back to Nature crackers with natural peanut butter, Light Babybel cheese, an apple, and a serving of baby carrots for lunch; protein bar or Clif Z bar on my commute home; and dinner was either steel-cut oats with natural PB, banana, and chocolate chips (which I LOVE!) or tons of steamed broccoli and brown rice with soy sauce. Snacks at night were usually either Pretzel Slims from Trader Joe's or chocolate. Not really anything different all week...and I like it that way. :) I'm fine without much variety...if I find something I like, I'll eat it every day!

Things have been going really well on the exercise front, too. I started the Couch to 5K program and will be doing the second day of my second week tomorrow - jogging 90 seconds, walking 2 minutes, for a total of about 30 minutes. I'm really, REALLY enjoying the workout...I never thought I'd say that. And I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating - I'm SO proud of my body! :)

So where did all this get me? Well, it got me to 234.8 yesterday. That's a 3.8 pound loss since last Friday. :) Yay! Still not back to where I was before our vacation, but I'm on the right track. I feel good.

That's 64 pounds lost! No reason to complain here.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!!!

On the Wagon Again!

2010-01-04T19:06:00.001-05:00

And it feels good. :)

Mama was good today, folks. Let me give you a quick recap.

Breakfast was vanilla caramel coffee with organic half and half, 2 pieces of Ezekiel bread with 1 Tbsp almond butter, plain, non-fat Fage yogurt with a packet of Splenda and 1/4 cup of blueberries.

Lunch was 5 Back To Nature crackers with 1/2 Tbsp almond butter, an organic Braeburn apple, 14 baby carrots (3 oz), and a mini Clif bar. I forgot to eat my Light Babybel cheese!

Dinner was AWESOME! I had an Amy's Brown Rice and Vegetable Bowl with 2 cups of steamed broccoli and a little bit of soy sauce. Holy cow...can I just tell you that this was wickedly good? And SO filling! And SO vegetable-y! Awesome. I love those new vegetable steamer thingies that some of those frozen vegetable companies make. They make getting yummy veggies in so easy, especially when you detest most of them raw, as I do. ;)

I also had 2 dark-chocolate covered caramels at work for 40 calories each. Worth it!

And I got in 64 ounces of water PLUS a 12-ounce cup of hot tea...that should count as water too, I think. ;)

All this for a total of only 1103 calories. I see a snack in my future! Perhaps some Green & Black's 85% dark chocolate...we shall see. :)

Potato Chips Suck

2010-01-01T16:27:00.000-05:00

Ugh...I have eaten so many servings of potato chips today. Seriously, I've had sour cream and onion Utz, sour cream and cheddar Ruffles, and some kind of all-natural barbecue waffle fries... All-natural or not, it's still disgusting.

Let me backtrack a bit...

Firstly, I DID weigh myself Christmas Eve and was 228.6. Not quite at my Christmas Eve goal of 224, but to be honest I didn't deserve to hit it with the way I'd been eating. You can tell from the few times that I posted while we were on vacation that I didn't do so well there either. Well, when I weighed myself this morning I was 238.6.

Did I freak out? Nah. Why? Because I know for a fact that I was active just about every day on vacation, and I also know that I didn't eat an extra 35,000 calories in the span of one week.

The probable culprit? Hey, some of it is probably real weight, and I'm okay with that. I enjoyed myself. But also, we ate every meal out and I barely hydrated. I noticed that I was thirsty almost constantly each day. I never wanted to drink too much because if we were out hiking somewhere, I didn't want to have to pull my ski pants, base layer, and underwear down and cop a squat in the VERY deep snow. I know that wasn't the smartest move considering we were active, but I did always have a lot of water with me. Also, in going from place to place we spent over an hour on the Kancamagus Highway just about each time. There aren't many warm places to pee on the Kanc, and when I hydrate properly I pee about every hour or so. I really didn't want to have to keep stopping and squatting, whether we were driving or hiking.

Anyway, we weren't supposed to be coming home until today or tomorrow, but New England is getting a pretty big storm this weekend and Hubs wanted to make sure we beat it. We got back yesterday around noon but I didn't really salvage the day, to be honest. I'm doing better today, but I told myself this morning that I would hydrate, exercise, and at least eat well until dinner...all until Monday. Monday I'm returning to my original plan hardcore. But I didn't want to have to count my dinner calories this weekend because Hubs and I wanted to go out a few times.

(I know some people don't agree with waiting for a special date, but I do, and it's what works for me. If I had to start today, at the beginning of a 3-day weekend, I'd feel very discouraged. So hey...small steps, all right? ;) )

I did really well today, except for the chips...LOL I had one piece of Ezekiel bread toasted with about a tablespoon of almond butter for breakfast, and my oatmeal concoction for lunch. Plus I did 30 minutes on the treadmill today for the first day of the Couch to 5K program! I'm really excited about this. Right now, I'm loving the intervals; just when I feel like I can't run anymore, it's time to walk! LOL I was really proud of myself and of my body today. I was glad it was able to do what it did. I can't wait for the next workout!

So, my 2010 resolutions?

- To try to be more graceful, kind, and compassionate. I had to try it at the grocery store today - instead of being frustrated at someone for having their cart blocking the entire aisle, I just kindly said, "Excuse me," and smiled. I was surprised at how much easier that was than to shoot someone a dirty look, as if their world should revolve around me. And 95% of the time I got a nice response, and even some smiles. And sure, I think when you're always kind and forgiving you can be made a fool of sometimes (doesn't that sound horrible?), but it's just so much less WORK to be nice. Takes a lot of effort to feel angry all the time.

- To be more patient and tolerant at home. I can be tough to live with sometimes...ask Hubs. ;) I often feel unlovable and really seem to enjoy projecting that onto Hubs, and that has to come to a screeching halt.

And finally...

- No more potato chips. I'm a big fan of "everything in moderation", but unfortunately I can't do moderation with potato chips. They need to go, totally and completely, until I hit my goal weight. Then and only then will I consider introducing them into my diet again. They're my weakness, and my addiction to them is stronger than me. I wouldn't ask a newly recovered alcoholic to go sit in a bar and have just one drink, so I'm not going to have just one chip. Can't do it.

Official weigh-in next Friday! The holidays will be over, I'll be back on track, ,and I'll feel better to do it then. So I'm going to wait until then to post the numbers.

Happy New Year!

Product Giveaway!

2009-12-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

Not here...over on Monica's blog!

She is generously giving everyone a chance to win one of several energy bars - either a Prana, Boomi, or Supercharger bar. And there are a few different flavors to pick from, all of which look awesome!

Go forth and read her blog. It's a really fun place! And don't forget to enter her giveaway. :)

We Are Idiots

2009-12-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

Hubs and I are stupid. We really are. We insist on eating until we're disgusted with ourselves.

This morning was good. I had an egg white omelette with veggies, some baked home fries, and an English muffin. Then Hubs and I burned over 1500 calories snow hiking. I'm not kidding! That's really how much we burned. We hiked for 2 hours. We worked up a bit of an appetite after that so we had lunch, and we did...okay. We both got soup (French onion for me, chili for him) and split an appetizer of which we brought back better than half. It's sitting in the refrigerator but I doubt it'll get touched. It's just too heavy - sliced potatoes with bacon and cheese, baked. Gross. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke.

We also ate too much dinner. It wasn't bad food...it was just entirely too much.

Hubs and I feel awful. I miss the feeling of having a small, light-feeling stomach. Instead I feel heavy, sluggish, tired, and nauseous. I haven't been really hungry for any of our meals here, and that's because I eat too much at one and it just doesn't digest before it's time for the next. Also, I'm not drinking enough water; my rings are tight again and I just feel toxic. I know that sounds dramatic and ridiculous, but I can't think of a better word for it.

I refuse to feel this way tomorrow. It's not going to happen.

The North Face

2009-12-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'll get to the title in a bit. ;)

Hubs and I are on vacation in the White Mountains at the moment - we got here on Saturday and will be staying until Friday (or Saturday if I get my way!). So far on the food front, things have been absolutely disastrous. LOL Honestly, I'm very disgusted with myself. Usually it's not too bad because we're always very active up here, but it was raining yesterday and today so we haven't been able to do much hiking. But oh...we have been eating. I estimate that I've eaten over 3000 calories yesterday and today - each day, I mean. I decided to tally my breakfast this morning and realized I'd had 940 calories...before 8:30 AM. Chalk that up to two extra large breakfast sausages (475 calories) that I didn't initially order, but when the waitress said, "Would you like any bacon, ham, or sausage with that?" I caved. It's a throw back to the BK Lounge drive-through breakfast behavior, and I realize that now. That behavior is NOT acceptable, and it will NOT happen tomorrow. I will be making better choices, and the fact that the weather is going to be beautiful for the rest of our vacation will REALLY help with our activity level. I'm definitely looking forward to that!

So, about the title...

Hubs and I are pretty big outdoors-y types. We love hiking and kayaking; our favorite activity is hiking though, and I think we're pretty hardcore. We recently became members of the Appalachian Mountain Club, which was really cool for us. And we hike pretty much every season of the year, rain or shine. We came up here for my birthday week in October and hiked in freezing cold rain and fog, we've hiked in snow...we just love to HIKE. And even before I lost weight I enjoyed hiking, though it's much easier for me now. ;)

So anyway, over the past year or two Hubs and I have accumulated some really nice hiking gear. We have several pairs of Merrells, great North Face hiking packs, and for Christmas Hubs bought me a North Face shell to go over my North Face Denali fleece. Hubs already had a North Face Denali fleece and shell; I had the fleece but really needed a waterproof shell. Hubs got a bad ass winter coat for Christmas, which he can't wear in weather over 30 degrees because he'll sweat. LOL

Now...if you click on the link to my shell and my fleece, you'll notice that they're men's. That's because I have NEVER been able to fit into any women's clothing from The North Face. I always used to blame the size of my boobs (which are big), but that was just another excuse I made for being too fat. (Note: I do buy North Face pants in men's sizes, but that really is because the women's aren't long enough unless I can find talls, which I swear don't exist. I've got an almost 34-inch inseam - it's a blessing and a curse.) The problem with men's styles of North Face tops and coats is that, well...they're masculine. So it kind of sucks.

However...

Since it was raining here today, Hubs and I made it our shopping day. We bought some great North Face Gore-Tex pants for snow hiking, but it took Hubs a considerably longer amount of time to find his because he's worse than a woman when he shops. In the meantime, I wandered over to the women's section just for shits and giggles. I caught a glance of a gorgeous jacket...extra large. It looked awfully big, and I thought to myself, That looks like it would fit. However, I've had that thought before and it's betrayed me, so I can't say I was feeling too confident.

I looked around for Hubs but he was nowhere to be found. He obviously was trying on his eighth pair of pants. ;) I felt like I had a little time, so I set down my purse and took off my men's North Face jacket. I made sure no one was looking - I certainly didn't want anyone to witness me trying to squeeze my arm into a tight little armhole, or battling with a zipper that just wasn't going to go up past my boob line (not thanks to my boob size...more like thanks to my back fat). When I was satisfied that there were no recon missions underway, I quietly slipped on the jacket...

...and zipped it right up to my neck.

Let me tell you something...I REJOICED. Inside I did a happy dance that I hadn't done in a long time. When Hubs got out of the dressing room I told him what happened. Ladies, if I ever die in a fiery car crash, track down my husband, because he is a GOOD man. He is the most supportive, most beautiful human being this world has ever seen. He asked if I wanted to get one next month, and I said no, that I still wanted to lose about 35 pounds (probably 45 after this trip). So he said that when I hit my goal, or whatever weight I'm comfortable with, that he will take my North Face fleece and shell for himself (he wanted a new one of both anyway), and I can get a new one of both. Never mind that it's a $700 combination. Hubs will let me get one anyway, because he is amazing.

I could fit into a women's North Face Jacket. THAT is victory.

Shout-Out! (Pay Attention, Guys!)

2009-12-22T21:07:00.000-05:00

You all need to head on over to Monica's blog and check it out! She's got a really fun place over there with lots of food ideas, product reviews, and giveaways. Please visit her today! She was kind enough to check me out over here in my lonely glory... ;) So return the favor!

Damn You, Universe!

2009-12-22T18:47:00.000-05:00

I still haven't used our shiny new treadmill. :( And I'm really not making excuses. I had an appointment with my allergist yesterday and realized that my asthma is making me crazy because I have a raging sinus infection. Good times, no? I'm definitely feeling better thanks to some antibiotics, but my lungs are still a bit angry with me. (Post-nasal drip. YUM.) I'd rather keep them calm and quiet, and exercise would throw that right out the window. It just means that I have to watch my calories extra-closely.

I was super proud of myself today because I had lunch with some of my colleagues at an Asian restuarant. Now...I LOVE Asian food - the crispier and oilier the better. But today I opted for steamed brown rice (ate 2/3 of a cup), steamed broccoli and snap peas, and about 3 oz of steamed tofu. I drizzled on some soy sauce and went right into Chinese heaven. :) It was delicious! Can't say it was completely satisfying though, and I kind of wished I'd had a bit more rice. But I ended up having a banana on my commute home which filled me nicely.

Breakfast was my "regular"; lately I've been doing coffee with Splenda and 2/3 Tbsp. organic half and half, Ezekiel toast with almond butter (and 1 Tbsp. of honey today for fun!), a container of non-fat Fage, and 1/4 cup of blueberries. Scrummy. :)

Dinner was 1/4 cup steel-cut oats with the following mix-ins: 1/2 medium banana, 1 Tbsp. organic almond butter, and 1 Tbsp. milk chocolate chips (for fun again!). I also had a handful of Doritos while the oatmeal was cooking. Bad girl!

Total calories today were 1374. About 100 higher than I'd like, but life goes on. Next time maybe I'll skip the Doritos and the honey...but not the chocolate chips. ;)

Weigh-in is coming up on Thursday. My fingers are crossed!

Again?

2009-12-19T20:09:00.000-05:00

Why am I posting like a lunatic today? Because it's a Saturday, and Hubs and I are snowed in. Hooray for blizzard-like conditions!

I did indeed have my delicious sandwich for lunch. Holy wow, why didn't I think of that sooner? I can thank Kath for that idea. I can also thank her for the idea to roast a butternut squash! (No, I didn't think of it sooner myself. I don't know why...don't ask.)

Here's the thing. Hubs is generally kind of hateful about vegetables. I was never a big fan of them either, but I'm learning to like them more and to fit them in my diet whether I want them or not. I've been working my way through Kath's blog from her first post ever and kept reading all this stuff about butternut squash being so good. I vaguely remembered Hubs and I having it as a side at a restaurant once, and I thought I remembered it being sweet. So it seemed to me that Hubs would at least give it a go if I roasted one with a little whipped butter and brown sugar.

I had no idea what I was doing, of course. The squash, after I halved it, was very unstable. That's because I cut it all crooked. But I tried to kind of shave it down so that it would set nicely face-down on the baking sheet. LOL I put about a half inch of water in the baking sheet and just stuck it in the oven for 45 minutes at 400*. Then I stuck some butter and brown sugar in the little butternut cave and roasted face-up (obviously) for 5 more minutes.

Can I just tell you something?

It was WICKED good. Hubs scraped that little squash down to its nothings trying to get every little bit out of there. For 200 calories I can't think of a better snack! Loved it.

Dinner was steel cut oats with 1/2 banana, 1 Tbsp. chocolate chips, and 1 Tbsp. almond butter for me. Hubs had his with some brown sugar. He never had steel cut oats before...he gets funny about so-called "weird" foods. But when I explained to him that his instant oatmeal was just processed-numerous-times oats, he was willing to try the steel cut. The first thing he said was, "Did you put butter in here? It's really good."

Exactly, Hubs. Exactly. And there was no butter, dear.

See you tomorrow!

You should...

2009-12-19T16:20:00.000-05:00

...go over to Kath Eats Real Food right this minute for amazing recipes, inspiration, and how to make good, nutritious food choices every day...including those days when life hands us special occasions and tricky situations. Wonderful!!! :D

Last Night

2009-12-19T10:41:00.001-05:00

Okay...last night wasn't awful, but it wasn't wonderful.

First, I had about 600 calories left over when we got to our friends' house. The wife asked what we wanted for dinner, and I just requested something healthy. Well, I'll tell you...it was healthy, and it was amazing!

First, we had a salad with mixed greens, zucchini, grape tomatoes, and little mini fresh mozzarella balls. There was a choice of Caesar dressing or balsamic vinegar and olive oil, so I chose the latter and was heavier on the vinegar. Then we had butternut squash soup...holy YUM! She said it was just squash, carrots, chicken stock, and 1 tbsp of butter for 9 cups of soup. I estimate that I had about a cup and a half, so not bad. It was amazing!

The main course was ridiculously good. Whole wheat rotini pasta, with roasted grape tomatoes, zucchini, and green beans. She tossed it all in only a little bit of olive oil and then added some fresh parmigiano-reggiano cheese before throwing it in the oven for 5 more minutes. It was SO YUMMY. The problem was that I had about a cup and a half of this...the bigger problem is that I was full after about a cup, but I didn't stop eating because I didn't want to be rude. That's terrible...I should've just put my fork down. By the time I finished I was uncomfortably full.

I also had a very small piece of rosemary sourdough bread and about 6 oz. of homemade sangria. The sangria was like heaven... Our friend kept saying, "Really, this should be considered a health drink!" The whole mixture had a bottle of red wine, 1/2 cup triple sec, 1/2 cup brandy, 2 cups of pomegranate juice, plus some apples, grapes, oranges, and pomegranate seeds floating around. I could see her point of the health drink thing - antioxidants, the health benefits of red wine, all of that fruit...I'm on board with that! ;)

Dessert was a holy disaster. This was our task for the night, and totally ignoring the promise I made to myself of getting things I didn't care for, I bought 4 cannolis and a chocolate truffle cake! Oh, for the love of GOD. I had half a cannoli, a piece of cake (decent sized, but not enormous), and the cake icing that Hubs' left behind. I felt extremely gross after all of that and was kind of disappointed that I'd eaten so much.

Today is a new day though, and all is well. :) I had about 10 ounces of coffee early this morning and just finished a container of nonfat Fage yogurt with 1/4 cup of blueberries for a grand total of 130 calories this morning. Lunch is a salmon, avocado, and spinach sandwich on Ezekiel bread. Maybe oatmeal for dinner.

And on the exercise front, Hubs is putting the treadmill together as I type! The only problem with starting my exercise today is that my asthma has been giving me a LOT of trouble since yesterday, so I may have to push the start of my C25K to tomorrow. But it's not because I don't want to do it...it's because I don't want to die.

Happy Saturday!!!

Official Friday Weigh-In

2009-12-18T09:01:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here breathing a sigh of relief!

I didn't have to go out for dinner last night, which was really fortunate. Because while I could have easily stuck with fish and vegetables, I would have had a hard time resisting a shared dessert or a second glass of wine. I know myself, and I know not to lie to myself, and I know those things would have been difficult for me. But I got out of it, so it doesn't matter! Dinner last night was Muir Glen Chicken Tortilla soup - 260 calories for the entire can!

We're going to our friends' house for dinner tonight, and that might prove to be a challenge. I've decided that I'm not going to get there starving...though with a dinner time of around 8 PM, I don't know how I'll manage that. I ate a late breakfast today (steel cut oats, 1 tbsp. almond butter, 1/2 banana, and a tbsp of chocolate chips for 363 calories) so hopefully that means my lunch will be much later too. Then I can have a yogurt or something before we go. Hubs and I have been tasked with bringing dessert, so I'm going to pick two things - one that I don't care for at all, and one that I could do with or without. That means I'll only have a few bites of Hubs' and I won't feel compelled to take my own. It's a good strategy, or at least as good as it's going to get.

I told Hubs there will be no cheat meal this weekend. If we go out, I'm going to have to suck it up and get something healthy. I had my cheat meal already on Wednesday, and it was QUITE a cheat. So...I'm done with that until Christmas Eve.

Can I still meet my mini-goal by Christmas Eve? Not sure, but I'm going to damn well try.

Oh! The numbers for today...

----------------------------------------

Current weight: 229.6 (A loss since last Friday. Sweet!)

High Weight: 298.2

Goal Weight: 190

Mini-Goal Weight: 224 lbs (by Christmas Eve)

Total Lost: 68.6

----------------------------------------

I won't complain. Now I have to work hard until Christmas Eve.

Cheers!

(Oh...Hubs and I got our treadmill yesterday! I'll be starting the Couch to 5K program tomorrow morning. Exciting!)

God Help Me...

2009-12-16T20:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Lord...I have to hydrate and restrict tomorrow in a big way.

Today was a special day for me. My dad, who was technically my stepdad, officially adopted me today! Why did it take so long? Well, Bio-Dad wouldn't relinquish his parental rights many years ago when we asked the first time, and then as the years went by my dad and I forgot about it. I guess because he was always Dad, so a piece of paper didn't make a difference. But a few months ago, it occured to me that I didn't need Bio-Dad to give his blessing; as an adult, I was able to make the decision on my own. And so it goes that my dad adopted me today, and I'm thrilled. And so is he. :D

After the adoption, he took us all out for dinner. I decided to make tonight my cheat meal because I knew we were going to a place that has the best burgers ever, and I wanted one! I had an awesome burger with guacamole, onions, lettuce, and tomato; I asked them to hold the cheese, mayo, and bacon. I also had a few French fries and shared a brownie sundae with my sister. Earlier in the day I had two pieces of Ezekiel bread with 1 Tbsp. almond butter (250 cals), coffee (50 cals), half of a Kashi cereal bar for a snack (55 cals), and Amy's No Chicken Noodle soup for lunch (180 cals). So I had quite a few calories left over for dinner. Not enough to keep me on track for the day, but still not bad.

If I just left it there, I would have been fine.

Instead, I came home and had 3 homemade chocolate chip cookies (200 cals), a brownie from Starbucks (probably 400 cals), and like 3 f*cking servings of Doritos (450 cals). Let's not talk about how badly I messed up today, but let's not forget this when I don't hit my mini-goal by Christmas Eve. All my fault.

Tomorrow is dinner and drinks with my girlfriend, but the fact that I'm on call saves me. I can only have one glass of wine then, and I fully intend on ordering steamed fish and steamed veggies for dinner, period. Friday night is dinner with Hubs and our friend and his wife. Our friend's wife is cooking - so far I know there will be butternut squash soup. She asked what we wanted and I requested something healthy. I know I'll have a few drinks that night, but I'm skipping dessert except for maybe two or three bites of Hubs'.

I won't be able to weigh myself Friday morning because I'll be staying at my girlfriend's house Thursday night to be close to the hospital for call (our house is 90 miles north of the hospital!). I won't weigh myself Saturday after the night out with our friends... Perhaps I'll just weigh in on Christmas Eve day. We shall see.

Bugger.

Just a Quick Thought...

2009-12-11T14:38:00.000-05:00

...I DO love the Hungry Girl cookbook. But man...those recipes sure do call for a lot of processed, unnatural foods.

I find myself replacing some of the nastier ingredients with regular, more natural versions. For example, a few of her recipes call for sugar-free syrup. Do yourself a favor and NEVER eat that. Or at least look at the ingredient list if you're thinking of it. Maple syrup should have maple syrup in it...period. Sugar-free syrup has like 10 ingredients, and not one of them is syrup.

The things I make from that book I've been trying to make as naturally/organically as possible, even if it does raise the calories a bit. Fat-free cheese = CHEMICALS. Go for full-fat and use less.

It was all really exciting in the beginning, and I'm still really glad we got the book, but there are some things I'll NEVER be making.

That's all. Just a quick thought!

Tricky Official Weigh-In!

2009-12-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

All right, so I figured out why the scale wouldn't budge this week. I got my period this morning. Hallelujah! That explains a lot. Oh, and if it seems like I just had my period? That's because I did. LOL I got the Mirena IUD last month and apparently I'm a bit irregular, but not too bad. Let me just sing Mirena's praises for a moment: My period is lighter already, and I barely have any cramps. I know I've only had it in for a month, but it's not in my head. When I have cramps, I HURT. Today I'm doing well! Anyway, my period also explains why I've been so emotionally sensitive the past few days, but we won't get into that here. LOL

Okay, so why was my weigh-in tricky? Well, I always get on the scale 3 times for accuracy. This morning my weights were: 232.2, 230, 227.6. After 3 completely different weights, I got on again - 228. So it's possible that I'm in the 220s, but I'm making 232.2 my official weight today. And that's okay, because it's down 1.4 from last week! With my period. Not bad.

I made Hubs chocolate chip cookies this morning. Allow me to gloat - my chocolate chip cookies are amazing. They really are. I had 3 small ones. :P But I put them in for my calories today, counted them as my breakfast, and eventually when I get hungry for something (12:34 PM and the cookies are still holding me!) I'll have some non-fat greek yogurt with 1/3 cup of blueberries and 1/2 Tbsp. of Nature's Promise strawberry jam. Nature's Promise is the organic/all-natural store brand at one of the grocery stores here. I know it's only the store brand, but they're all really great products! The jam is USDA organic and 45 calories per tablespoon. I had this yesterday in my yogurt because we ran out of blueberries. I had a whole tablespoon yesterday since I had no other fruit, and it was really delicious! I stopped and got more berries after work yesterday, so today I cut it town to 1/2 Tbsp. of jam and kept the 1/3 cup of blueberries. (Yay for superfoods!) I'm excited to taste it later!

So anyway...that's all for today, folks. Number time!

---------------------------------------------

Current Weight: 232.2

High Weight: 298.2

Mini-Goal Weight (by 12/24): 224

Goal Weight: 190

Total Lost: 66 lbs.

I'll take it. ;) Have a great weekend!

Honestly? REALLY?

2009-12-10T20:11:00.000-05:00

Okay...seriously? WTF.

Hubs and I decided to have dinner together at the diner tonight. That may sound Whiskey Tango and wrong, but it's really not. Diners are great places to eat when you're watching your calories. Egg white omelettes with tons of veggies? Count me in. So I was excited when I asked the waiter what came in their Spanish omelette and he answered, "Peppers, onions, salsa, and cheese."

I told him that sounded great, just hold the cheese, and please make it with egg whites. I also ordered a side of whole wheat toast and planned on eating the home fries that came with the eggs. (They're baked, not fried.)

Imagine my surprise when my plate came out looking like a goddamned murder scene. The egg whites were beautiful and fluffy, the home fries were nice and crispy...

...and there was vegetable soup poured all over my egg whites.

Waiter? Hi. That's not peppers, onions, and salsa. That, my Spanish friend, is vegetable soup. And that is f*cking disgusting.

But I was nice. I called him over.

"Listen...this isn't your fault. I thought the vegetables were going to be fresh and in the omelette. This? This is the most unappetizing thing I've ever seen in my life. Let's try again and just do an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, and mushrooms. Please."

So Dinner 2.0 was lovely. But Hubs has already made the decision that we'll never return to the Soupy Egg Diner.

Weigh-in tomorrow! Stay tuned...I'm not feeling hopeful. Despite staying at my calorie limit every day this week, the scale is not budging. Ugh.

Why, Satan? WHY?!

2009-12-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

I enjoyed the presence of potato chips in this world a LOT more when I wasn't counting calories.

Not even just potato chips - ANY kind of chips. Tonight, to be specific, it's riceworks Sweet Chili brown rice chips. Oh my God, please...these are so delicious and so wrong. They are so strongly seasoned and just make my mouth all tight and burn-y (salt and spices, respectively). They are hideously addictive, and though there is no MSG listed in the ingredients, they do contained hydrolyzed soy and/or corn protein which has free glutamate - may as well just be MSG. Perhaps this is why I am like a starving bear at a campsite when I open the bag. And why do I even open the bag to begin with? Goooood question. I scarfed down 2 servings today - only 20 chips for a crazy 280 calories. I could have had 4+ bowls of pumpkin for that.

I did add them into my calorie limit for the day, which sucks even though I know I have to do it. I could have had much better food for all of those calories. I'm still only at a total of 1335 for the day, but that's not the point. The point is that, for some reason, I'm having trouble controlling myself lately. If I want to hit my mini-goal by Christmas I'm going to have to start working a lot harder.

Sigh.

Polish Love

2009-12-06T17:12:00.000-05:00

Sooo...here was today's problem (she says, making an excuse for her behavior).

Hubs and I had a BIG shopping day today. We went to Cabela's in Hamburg, PA, and did a ton of purchasing - some for ourselves, some for others. Prior to this we had breakfast, which was a whopping 676 calories for me. I had a coffee, one piece of bacon, 1 oz. of ham, one mini turkey sausage patty, one biscuit with cinnamon and sugar, some homefries, and 3/4 cup of Egg Beaters. Now...I knew this was going to be a lot, but I was okay with that. I knew we were going to be really busy this morning. I also knew that this breakfast would hold me past lunch, and that I could get away with a small snack and dinner this evening. The problem? The problem was when Hubs reminded me that there was an authentic Polish deli we've been wanting to try. Authentic pierogies? See...you gotta count me in for that. I don't know how to say no to little pouches of potato lovingly formed by the hands of an old Polish woman. (Seriously, they were.) Oh, and they also had ridiculously good-looking stuffed cabbage. So lunch was 6 pierogies and a 5-oz. piece of stuffed cabbage. That was a total of 650, which took me to a grand total of 1326 calories. By 1:30 PM. I told Hubs I was done for the day, it didn't matter if I was hungry later or not.

Well, it did matter, and I ate about 2 servings of Sweet Chili Brown Rice chips for 280 calories. Grand total of 1600, which is hideous.

It is now 5:20 PM, and I will be hungry again tonight. It's when I have a night like this that I want to say, "Meh, screw it. We'll start over tomorrow."

Unhealthy behavior, for sure.

Stick a Fork in Me...I'm Done

2009-12-05T22:35:00.000-05:00

Oh, I SO am.

I had my cheat meal today, and I feel absolutely grotesque. Like seriously, I feel like there's a brick in my stomach. But let's start off with the good.

Because I knew I was going to be having a big dinner tonight, I tried to keep it down during the day. For breakfast I scrambled up 1/2 cup of Egg Beaters, 1/4 cup of sausage-style soy crumbles, and 1/8 cup of fat-free cheese. Then I stuffed it into an olive oil tortilla (90 calories) with about a tablespoon of salsa. It was so good and filling, and only 200 calories! Still more than my typical yogurt and fruit breakfast, but it was nice to have something different.

Lunch was Bumble Bee seafood salad and crackers for 150 calories. Totally processed and gross, I know. Please don't judge me. I also had a package of chocolate peanut butter cupcakes for an extra 180.

Later for a snack I had 3 squares of Green & Black's 85% dark chocolate for 70 calories.

Not terrible, right?

Well, dinner was just disgusting. Hubs and I shared a mini onion blossom, which is about as nasty as you can get. We didn't eat the whole thing - go us. I also had a dinner roll with butter before our meals came out. My dinner was pork loin, a side of steamed broccoli, and a very small serving of french fries, of which I only ate half. That concluded dinner, and I could've lived with that.

After dinner we went to Barnes and Noble. From the Starbucks in there I ordered a light Caramel Frappuccino (130 calories) and was debating on what snack I was going to get (as if I needed it). My eyes kept going to the Godiva Double Chocolate cheesecake, but I kept talking myself out of it. That is just WAY too many calories and a heinous amount of fat. I had instead mentally chosen an oatmeal raisin cookie, which I would have left half of for Hubs. But leave it to me to be an idiot...as soon as it was my turn to order, I blurted out, "Godiva cheesecake, please."

It was heavenly. No...it really was. Delicious. But I try to be honest with myself most of the time, and honestly I don't know that it was worth my calories. I mean, it was great...but I bet I could've gotten satisfied by something else. Ah well. Lesson learned.

About 2 hours after Hubs and I got home, I ate some Sweet Chili Brown Rice Chips. They were Le Yum, but now I hate myself. Getting back on the wagon will feel good tomorrow.

Yuck. Goodnight.

Whew!!! (Official Friday Weigh-In)

2009-12-04T18:26:00.000-05:00

Gosh...that was a close one. Allow me to tell you the story.

After NYC last weekend, I weighed 244 pounds. Oh yes...you read that right. And that's why I wouldn't dare give you my number last time I wrote. Have no fear, folks, for today I am back down to 233.6!!! So, okay...no real loss since Thanksgiving. But Christ on a bike, at least I'm not in the 240s again. Obviously there was a lot of water retention, so I've been staying away from salty foods all week and drinking a LOT of water. Plus I don't think I went over 1300 calories any day this week. Let me thank God for small miracles and a bit of willpower when I needed it.

So, let's talk about today.

Breakfast: Container of plain, non-fat Fage yogurt, 1/3 cup blueberries, coffee with 2 tbsp. organic half and half

Lunch: Clif Builder's bar in peanut butter - I had to eat in my car, and this was DELICIOUS!!!

Dinner: Hungry Girl Mexi-Tato

Snacks: apple, Light Babybel cheese, Hungry Girl brownie muffin, organic tortilla chips, one slice of near-cheeseless, thin crust veggie pizza

That's a total of 1315 calories today. Great! :D But lest it sound like I did a great job, I will admit that the entire serving of organic tortilla chips was eaten while I was standing up, with the pantry door still open. Some things never change, but I'm trying. Hey, at least I limited it to one serving.

And now for today's numbers...

------------------------------------------------

Current Weight: 233.6

High Weight: 298.2

Mini-Goal Weight (NEW FEATURE! ;) ): 224 by December 24th

Goal Weight: 190

Total Lost: 64.6

------

Current BMI: 34.5

High BMI: 42.5

Happy weekend, all!!! :D

Holy COW!

2009-11-30T17:42:00.001-05:00

No, literally. LOL

My fun little food vacation came to an end today, and it's been a good day. :) I had an apple and a Light Babybel cheese for breakfast, one of my yummy black bean burger tortilla wraps for lunch, a Hungry Girl Brownie Muffin for a snack, and a Hungry Girl Mexi-Tato for dinner. Yum! Plus there's been adequate hydration with over two liters of water. Oh, and I finally pooped. Sorry if that's too much. LOL

Okay, so now on to the bad stuff...eeeek!

So, Thanksgiving was a bit of a problem, of course. I ate too many pieces of cheese with crackers, too much stuffing, and too much dessert. Friday was supposed to be an "on the wagon" day but the leftovers were too tempting. I justified it to myself by saying to Hubs, "Well really, if we're going to New York City this weekend, I don't know that it would make much difference for me to eat well today." I said this as I popped an Oreo truffle in my mouth and then loaded up a plate with turkey, stuffing, and broccoli casserole. Broccoli casserole, by the way, is delicious and disgusting at the same time. It's made with Velveeta...have you ever actually touched Velveeta? Oh my God, it's got the grossest texture ever. But when it gets all melty and mixed with buttery Ritz crackers I can't resist. I know, I'm gross too, especially because Hubs and I try to eat natural/organic foods as often as possible. Let's not think about the chemicals and preservatives.

New York City was a total bust. Lunch was a chicken quesadilla...not horrible. But dinner was a VERY thick, very cheesy shrimp and scallop risotto. Oh, and we stopped at Magnolia Bakery and got some scrummy treats. Hubs and I each got a red velvet cupcake (which we ate before lunch), and for after-dinner I got a red velvet cheesecake and Hubs got a caramel pecan cheesecake. I will say this - they were worth the calories! We also got sugary, roasted cashews from a street vendor, and we split a street vendor hot dog at some point. Oy ve.

Sunday was supposed to be my return to the wagon, but you see that it turned into today. Why? Because I had half of my $30 risotto left over and wasn't going to toss it. Oh, and because we stopped for breakfast on the way home and I desperately wanted the breakfast that came with cinnamon sugar biscuits. What can I say? I'm a mess.

I got on the scale this morning because I'm a glutton for punishment. I won't dare tell you what it said, but I'm hoping that it looks a little better by Friday. ;)

That's what I get!

VERY Mini Hiatus

2009-11-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

Mini, like until Sunday!

Hubs and I have been busy the past few days with Thanksgiving, and this weekend we'll be spending some time in New York City. I should mention that there has been no healthy eating yesterday, today, nor will there be tomorrow. But on Sunday morning when we get home, I'm back on the wagon. And THAT'S why I'm not weighing in until Friday. ;)

Enjoy the weekend!

Mama's Angry

2009-11-23T10:28:00.000-05:00

Oh, she is.

Why is Mama angry? I'll tell you. My fat ass got on the scale yesterday to see a lovely weight of 237. Oh, I was pissed. Because other than my cheat meal on Friday, I have been on plan like it's my job. And yeah, the cheat meal was a big one, but...4 pounds worth? No. And I hydrated the day before yesterday like crazy and stuck to plan completely, taking in less than 1350 calories that day. So when I saw those numbers, I almost shit a brick. (Which would have made me weigh less. Hmmm. An idea for next time.)

Both Hubs and my sister said, "Why did you weigh yourself? You don't weigh-in until Friday!" Yeah, I know...but I'd been doing so well, and I felt SO good when I woke up that I actually really wanted to get on the scale. I thought I'd see something good for sure. Oh, imagine my horror. And with Thanksgiving coming up and a weekend in New York City right after that with Hubs, I'm simultaneously disgusted and terrified.

So what will I do? I will avoid. I will avoid the scale like the plague. Hubs and my sister both told me not to weigh-in until next Friday, December 4th. I may do that, or I may get on the scale Thanksgiving morning to stay accountable (I won't get on the day after Thankgiving). I know I won't see a huge drop, if I even see anything, but at least I won't feel bad for staying off the scale for almost a full 2 weeks. I don't know...I'll think about it. I'll have to decide which will be less psychologically damaging.

-------------------------------------------
In other news, I have become ADDICTED to canned pumpkin. I caught myself eating it out of the can yesterday with a little Splenda and cinnamon. I seriously ate about 1/2 of a cup of pumpkin that way, and yes, I added it into my calories for the day. A whopping 40, by the way. But I've been making oatmeal with it, using it in my Hungry Girl Brownie Muffins, and tonight I'm making a Hungry Girl recipe for pumpkin crunchers. I. LOVE. PUMPKIN. So imagine my dismay when I got a Hungry Girl e-mail today telling me that, because of heavy rains, Libby's will stop harvesting pumpkin this year! Oh...I CANNOT risk missing out on pumpkin until next year's harvest. Not now...it's too important to me. So what did I do? I ordered 12 29 oz. cans online today. Yep...348 ounces of pumpkin, coming to my house in just a short week or two. Color me freakin' EXCITED. :)

Almost makes me forget about my hideous weight. Wheeee!

-----------------------------------------

Tonight for dinner? A Hungry Girl Mexi-Tato (277 calories). And I'm baking Hubs some blueberry scones and making myself pumpkin crunchers. Hungry Girl = AWESOME.

Hungry Girl - GENIUS!

2009-11-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

Oh my God, can I tell you how freaking in love I am with the Hungry Girl cookbook right now? Can I tell you how much I am salivating over the Yum Yum Brownie Muffins I made that are sitting in the kitchen? Or how awesome our dinner was tonight, in the form of a "Meaty" Thin Crust Pizza? Do you know if you go to www.hungry-girl.com/books you can see pictures of all of her recipes? And even though you can do that, I really wanted to share a picture of the Brownie Muffins, because seriously...they're STUPID GOOD. I can't give away the recipe because it's not mine to give away, but I will tell you that the secret ingredient makes them WICKED moist and VERY rich. And they're only 181 calories per muffin. Come on, now...tell me that's not the food of the damn gods.

Oh! Friday weigh-in. Well, it actually went pretty well! It's that time of the month for me, and even with that I was at 233.2, so I had a loss of 0.6. Nothing phenomenal, but considering the fact that my rings were tight that morning I was really expecting to see a gain. I ate very well last week, so I'm confident that it was just because of my period. I typically see a 3-pound gain when it comes around.

Friday was my cheat meal and it was LE YUM. My sister and I went shopping that morning and then had an amazing lunch! Pizza and cheese fries...that's right...plus ice cream from a crazy good dairy by my parents house. And not just ice cream - I had peanut butter brownie ice cream with hot fudge, peanut butter, and whipped cream. Oh, I enjoyed my cheat meal. And it ended up being my only real meal of the day because I was STUFFED! I had a Clif Z bar for breakfast (120 calories), and came home and had one of the Brownie Muffins. That was it! And when I weighed myself this morning I was the same, so I think even the sodium didn't get me too badly.

I'm going to keep this post a little short. National Novel Writing Month is coming to a close, and I have to get about 6,000 more words out. Soooooo....let's just end with the numbers!

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Current Weight: 233.2

High Weight: 298.2

Goal Weight: 190

Total Lost: 65
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Have a good weekend! :D

Donut? Why, yes, I'll have TWO!

2009-11-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I ate a donut today.

It's actually the second day in a row that I ate a donut. Let me explain.

Yesterday the folks at work threw a party for me because I'm leaving the rotation site. There was pizza, pasta, oily salads, chicken wings...and thank you Jesus, there was turkey and celery sticks, which is what I ate for lunch. There was also sweet potato pie, which I didn't touch. (Thank you very much.) But one of the guys bought me three buttercream-filled donuts from an incredibly good bakery nearby; I'd never had anything from there, but this guy and several other people told me it would be the best donut I ever ate.

Who am I to argue, right?

So, I ate one. And you know, it was totally worth the calories and I didn't feel bad about it. I added the calorie amount (estimated at 330) into my Lose It! app on my iTouch and it was done with. I felt fine. I brought the other two donuts home and told Hubs they were all his. The three donuts were all different - they all had this awesome buttercream filling, but one was glazed, one was powdered, and one had chocolate on top. I ate the glazed one at the party, and Hubs took the powdered one for breakfast this morning. The chocolate one was left, and though it was calling my name a bit, I resisted it.

Today I got home early, so I baked Hubs and I some Hungry Girl Snazzy Blueberry Scones for dessert tonight - 125 calories each! I had to run some errands this afternoon but had one when I got home. They are SO delicious! Added into my calories and I was good.

So everything was going fine...until Hubs called and told me he was on his way home. I asked him how his donut was this morning and of course he said it was delicious. And then, of course, all I could think about was how delicious those donuts actually were. And wouldn't you know it? The chocolate one started SCREAMING to me. I thought about resisting it, but then I thought, "How often do I get donuts? Never. And this is the best donut in the world!"

And so I ate it. In all of its 330-calorie glory, I ATE IT. And I'm kind of angry with myself, but only because it brings me to 1391 calories for the day, which is about 100 more than I would have liked. That's including dinner, by the way - Hungry Girl Rockin' and Choppin' Taco Salad for 286 calories. So while it's not the worst thing in the world, it's not exactly something to be proud of.

But at least they're gone. (A fucking dysfunctional dieting mantra, I swear.)

----------------------------------
In other news, I used to weigh myself every day. I thought I was doing myself a favor by keeping track, but really the fluctuations were driving me insane! So I vowed to only weigh myself twice a week, and so far I've been happy.

Well.

I got on the scale this morning and it said 236, and I almost shit a brick. Which is a nice segue into actually talking about shit, as in I hadn't done it in three days. Hubs gave me some herbal thing to take last night and I shat THREE TIMES over the course of the day. However...236 is disugsting considering I was 233.8 on Friday. So I was pissed. Yeah, I had a donut yesterday, but it wasn't a 7,000 calorie donut, causing me to gain 2 pounds. I couldn't understand it - I'd been eating well, drinking my water, all that good stuff. And I highly doubted that I had a 2-pound shit sitting in my intestines.

Good news though, disguised as a pain in my ass. My period came early...today! Ahhhh...my massive weight gain (hopefully) explained. I'm drinking water like a crazy person now because I don't want any nasty bloat affecting my weigh-in on Friday.

Ah well. The ups and downs. ;)

Quick Fun Something

2009-11-16T18:38:00.001-05:00

Okay...I don't have time to write a whole entry right now, but I convinced Hubs to buy me the Hungry Girl cookbook yesterday during our Barnes and Noble outing. You have to understand something about me lest you think Hubs is miserly. I don't cook. EVER. I bake like Betty Crocker, but I can't do that as often anymore or else I'd never have lost weight! But really...I don't cook. So Hubs was a little suspect about the whole purchase, and I don't blame him. Before we left Barnes and Noble, I told him I was going to make dinner for him today - Loaded 'N Oated Veggie Pizza and Lord of the Onion Rings.

Those are not my pictures, of course. They were thieved from Google Images. But nonetheless, my food didn't look much different! And you know what? Hubs said it was delicious and he'd have it again. And so would I!

(And sorry for the weird placement of the pictures. I'm not adept at this yet. Hubs is a software developer and could totally fix my retardedness, but I try not to make him do work at home.)

The pizza has 231 calories, and an entire serving of onion rings has 153, but we split that. So we had a total of about 308 calories for a TON of food. Oh, and 19 grams of fiber! Can you believe that?! That's enormous. Right now, an hour later, my dinner is still keeping my (ever-shrinking) belly full.

Another thing I love about the Hungry Girl cookbook is that most of the recipes are for 1 or 2 people, although there are some for more. But it's nice because when you're only cooking for two, it sucks to make a big huge recipe.

Yay for Hungry Girl! My next endeavor will be the Snazzy Blueberry Scones - 125 calories each! Can't beat it. :) Oh, and for dinner...look at me, thinking of dessert first...we're going to do the Rockin' and Choppin' Taco Salad for 286 calories and 12 grams of fiber. Love this book. :D

90/10 Rule Revisited

2009-11-15T18:48:00.001-05:00

Okay folks, let's recap the weekend! My 90/10 rule becomes important here.

So, as I said on Friday, I thought Friday night was going to be my cheat meal but it actually fit well into my calories! Since there are no off-limit foods for me, a cheat meal for me is one that I know is going to go way over my calorie limit for the day. Yes, I allow myself one a week. (During bad weeks there are two. Don't judge me.) No, this doesn't trip me up in any way. I eat well all day until that meal, and then I'm right back on course the next day. I've been losing an average of 2-3 pounds per week doing this, so I see no reason to change it now. Maybe I'll have to in the future, but for now I feel good about it.

What do I feel is over my calorie limit? Well, if I consume more than 1500 calories a day I consider it a bad day. I almost always stay between 1300-1400, occasionally having a little more or a little less. But the 1500-calorie mark is pretty much my limit.

So anyway...Friday was NOT a cheat meal. Yesterday I had a crazy busy day, and by the time dinner rolled around I'd only had about 700 calories! Hubs and I went out for dinner, but I ordered an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, and mushrooms (80 calories), bacon (150 calories), and wheat toast (just one slice, about 100 calories.) So yesterday was a success!

Today was my cheat meal, and it was great. :D This morning I had yogurt and fruit for breakfast, one of my yummy wraps for lunch (mentioned here), and that was it. Hubs and I then went to Barnes and Noble where I had about 3 bites of his red velvet cupcake, which was SO worth the calories! Yum.

For dinner we went to Texas Roadhouse. It's not too difficult to eat healthy there, but sometimes I don't feel like it! But I still made some good choices. I had about 6 ounces of pork loin, a side salad with Romaine, tomatoes, and egg (no cheese or croutons, fork dipped in Thousand Island dressing on the side, maybe 4 times total...I used like 1/4 of an ounce), and French fries. I also shared a Baby Blossom with Hubs, which is like a mini fried onion thing. Healthy? No. Do I feel bad? Definitely not. Why? Because it won't matter in the grand scheme of things. If I get back on track tomorrow, which I will, there won't be any problem come weigh-in day. So I'm not sweating it at all, quite frankly, and that's really liberating.

But here's the thing with the 90/10 rule. If you're going to use it, you need to be HONEST with yourself. If you're going over your calories every day by adding in a "cheat" item, then that's not 10% of the time. For me, 10% is once or twice a week. Any more than that and it's no longer 10%, and if the scale shows it then I can't be pissed. There's no one to be angry with but myself when I don't lose or when I gain. But on the flip side, that also means that this awesome progress is no one else's victory but mine. I did all of this work. I am nurturing my body and being kind to it. No one else is putting forth that effort for me, so I'm the only one who gets the credit for it!

In exercise news, I'm still not carving specific time out in my day for it. You know how I feel about exercise. I've been telling Hubs and my sister that if I only had a treadmill, I'd be so much more inclined to exercise! We have a really nice elliptical...I've used it a few times, but I just don't care for the elliptical. Never did, either. Ask my sister - when we used to go to the gym together I could only get on it for like 10 minutes before hating it. I could happily run/walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes though. So anyway, Hubs told me last week that we're going to get a treadmill! I'm so stoked, I can't wait. :D Hubs is so awesome.

On the subject of Hubs being awesome, I asked him on Friday if I could get a boob lift. When you're a 38 DD and lose 60 pounds, things...droop a little. He said, "You can do whatever you want to them, just don't make them smaller." ;) Men. But anyway, that's so great for me! When I hit my goal, maybe that's just what I'll do.

Okay, enough writing for tonight. This week I promise to address the subjects I touched on last week (vegetables, lies, and whatever else I'm forgetting about.)

Good luck this week! :D

Weigh-In

2009-11-13T19:41:00.001-05:00

Okay, folks. Today's weigh in? 233.8. That's 1.2 down from last Friday! :) I'm totally stoked. And I've decided to make Friday my Official Weigh-In day for reasons discussed here.

Today I was going to talk about fruits and vegetables, and I also wanted to touch on the lies that we tell ourselves when we're overweight and dieting...but I'm just too exhausted. I'm sorry, but I can't do it. :(

Quick run down of my food today. Fage and raspberries again for breakfast, a Kashi Chocolate Peanut Butter Go Lean bar (not terrible but not perfect...I'll talk about that at a different time) for lunch, an apple, a Light Babybel cheese, and a mini Clif bar for snacks. Dinner? Cheat meal: 3 Pizza Hut breadsticks and 3 SMALL pieces of pizza - thin crust, NO cheese. Total calories for the day, counting my cheat meal? 1491. 1491!!! WITH a cheat meal! I don't feel terribly guilty now.

Okay...more tomorrow, I promise. Too tired tonight...

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The Numbers

Current Weight: 233.8

High Weight: 298.2

Total Loss: 64.4

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Holla!!!! :D

Not Being An Idiot...

2009-11-12T10:25:00.000-05:00

...when it comes to food choices, I mean.

I noticed something very cool yesterday when I was at the grocery store. My eating habits have changed SO much, and not just from before I started eating healthy to after. Even during this whole process things have changed for me. I had my epiphany in the grocery store because I was buying yogurt. Let me explain.

There I was, buying Fage 0% Fat plain greek yogurt, and that's when my cool little realization occured. When I first changed my habits back in May, I was eating the organic equivalent of Pop Tarts for breakfast. Organic sugar, good for me. But there was no fruit (brown sugar and cinnamon flavor, thank you very much), a dismal amount of protein, and no fiber. Oh, and TONS of sugar...organic or not, it doesn't matter when you're eating like 36 grams of it. And 420 calories, for those of you counting. Eventually I got tired of wasting so many calories and stopped eating them.

Then I graduated to Stonyfield Farm non-fat fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt - delicious stuff, didn't even taste fat-free. Then one day I decided to look at the sugar and protein content, in that order. My reaction was, "Wow, look how much! Wow, look how little." Why was I eating that damn yogurt? A great source of calcium and healthy bacteria for sure, but it wasn't keeping me full, and isn't that kind of the whole point? I needed to do something different, a fact that was cemented when I once read in an Eat This, Not That book that some varieties of Stonyfield Farm yogurt contained an alarming amount of sugar.

I'd heard the raves about Greek yogurt and how good it was for you, and how much protein it had, and all that good stuff. So I tried it - Chobani Non-Fat Greek Yogurt, fruit-on-the-bottom. It was good! Really good. I loved the thicker texture, and it absolutely kept me fuller than regular yogurt. Must have been the 14 grams of protein it had. (Seriously, that's impressive.) But it had 17 grams of sugar and not too much fiber, and I knew I could do better than that. Well, eventually - it took me like 3 months to have my "A-ha!" moment regarding the yogurt.

Hubs and I have regular dinner dates and go to Barnes and Noble afterwards because we're dorks. We could sit in the cafe for hours and look at stacks of books. It was on one of those date nights that I came across something - a book, a magazine article, something - that pointed out how much sugar fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt has and how you'd be surprised at how little fruit you're actually getting. This makes perfect sense, of course, but many things make perfect sense that didn't hit us before. I love those "ton of bricks" moments.

So what did I do yesterday? I bought the Fage greek yogurt and a container of fresh organic raspberries. Fabulous! So much less sugar (only 7 grams in the yogurt plus whatever 1/3 cup of raspberries added) and more fiber thanks to the fresh fruit. I threw in a packet of Splenda With Fiber and let me tell you...it was SO GOOD. The yogurt was wicked creamy because it wasn't watered down by the fruit syrup, and the raspberries were so big and yummy. Beats some liquid-y, processed fruit laying on the bottom of the container, I can promise you that.

So anyway, back to my epiphany, which Hubs and I discussed on the phone this morning during our commutes. I used to eat 1000-calorie BK Lounge breakfasts and 1100-calorie Dunkin' Donut breakfasts. I regularly snacked on processed foods and all but skipped the perimeter of the grocery store unless I needed bread. Hubs and I ate out nearly every single night. There were days where I wouldn't touch a single vegetable or piece of fruit, where I wouldn't have even an ounce of dairy. (Oh wait...cheese on my BK Lounge sandwich. OF COURSE.) And here I am, 6 months later, eating plain Greek yogurt and going out of my way to get some fruits and vegetables in, even if I don't really like them. (Maybe we'll discuss that tomorrow.)

Very cool. And very different. And not a little strange.
--------------------

Oh! And please let me share what I ate for lunch today, because it was so good that I think I'll dream about it. I took an oat flour and olive oil tortilla (90 calories), spread it with a 100-Calorie Snack Pack of Wholly Guacamole (so good and so natural), put a little handful of organic field greens and about a tablespoon of organic red pepper and garlic salsa on top. Then...for the pièce de résistance, I microwaved a Morningstar Farms Spicy Black Bean Burger (120 calories), cut it into strips and put that on for my protein. Please...I could cry right now. It was SO good, and with all of the protein from the black bean burger and the good fats from the olive oil and avocado, I feel like I'm going to stay full for a while. Again...one of the goals, right? And it was so easy! Prep was 5 minutes, tops!

Weigh-in tomorrow! I'm looking forward to it. :) Cheers!

Good Day!

2009-11-10T09:28:00.000-05:00

It's a good day today and I feel awesome. :) My weigh-in this morning went well - 237.6, which is 2.8 down from last Tuesday! Of course, it is 2.6 up from Friday, but that could just be all of those damn potato chips showing. LOL But no worries, because my total for the week is still 2.8 and there's nothing wrong with that!

I finally let Hubs read my blog on Sunday night. You have to understand something - NO ONE knows my weight except for my sister and my doctor. (And now everyone who read this...LOL) Hubs was the last person I wanted to tell because I weigh more than him, for Christ's sake. He obviously knows I'm eating healthier and knows how much weight I've lost, he just never knew exact numbers. But I really felt like I wanted him to know...it felt wrong to me somehow to keep it from him. I know he understood, but it still didn't feel right to me. I was nervous as hell beause regardless of how beautiful he thinks I am, my number is still hideous. But, as usual, he was perfect and wonderful and supportive. His reaction was pretty much, "Who cares about the number? You look great!" And now he's in with me 100% on this journey, and I'm so happy I came clean. Looking back I realize how stupid I was...obviously he didn't assume that I weighed 150 if I lost 60 and wasn't withered away to nothing. LOL All it takes is some simple math to make you realize that I weighed a LOT, whether you knew my number or not.

One other thing I've been thinking about today, which is actually a bit disconcerting. (No, not that I was thinking...I mean what I was thinking about.) I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I've never binged on foods, and that's the honest truth. And I don't think I've been lying to myself, telling myself that, "Oh, that didn't really qualify as a binge...it wasn't that bad." I just really have never binged.

But oh...let me tell you something. Sometimes I think it would be fun. Sometimes I think it would be great to go to the grocery store, buy one package/bag/piece of every food I genuinely love, and eat it all with reckless abandon. I practically lust after the satiated feeling - satiated being synonymous with stuffed up to my eyes - the sugar, the fat, the tastes and textures. And I know that if I binged ONE DAY it wouldn't make an enormous difference a week later when I weighed myself.

I won't lie to you and tell you that I don't think about. I won't do it...but I think about it. And I can't believe I just said that out loud.

Anyway...LOL Today was good and controlled. Same breakfast of coffee and Greek yogurt; lunch was a Bumble Bee tuna lunch kit (fat-free tuna salad and crackers) for 150 calories, an apple, and a Light Babybel cheese. My snack in the afternoon was baby carrots and an Iced Gingerbread Clif bar. These are amazing, I promise you. Go forth and purchase!

Tonight before I met Hubs at his parents' for dinner I stopped at Borders for a while. I saw these ridiculously yummy-looking Ghirardelli peppermint bark squares - 60 calories a piece. I carried them around with me for a while and then was like, "What the HELL are you doing?" Talk about a bad decision...I'd eat like 3 of those at a time, and before I knew it I'd have consumed almost 200 calories. I put them back...screw THAT noise. Not a big deal, I know, but I was so excited that I passed them up! Dinner was delicious, roasted chicken, rice, and salad. My mother-in-law is awesome and always has diet-friendly stuff when we come over. I had half a homemade brownie for dessert, but it wasn't because I caved or anything. I wanted it...so I had it. And I didn't feel bad about it. My total calorie intake for the day was 1401. Not bad!

Also...**TMI ALERT!** I finally took a poo tonight! LOL I think it'd been 3 days. I'm supposed to be on iron supplements but I really just can't tolerate them. I always think it's in my head though, so I go a while without taking them and then try again. I've done this 4 times since June, and every time I do it, I can't take a crap. So...no more of that for me. LOL Lovely info!

For some non-weight loss news, I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month for the first time. I love it! It really holds me accountable to my writing, and I love that. After I write my 1,000 words tonight I'll have a total of 41,000. You only have to hit 50,000 for reach the "goal", but I'll have more words in my head than that, I can tell already. LOL But anyway, it's been a real success so far. I took off last night and didn't write anything, but I'm ahead so it's all right.
------------------------

Let's look at the numbers!

Current weight: 237.6

High Weight: 298.2

Goal Weight: 190

Total Lost: 60.6

-------------------------

I'll be posting my BMI on a monthly basis since it won't change too much from week to week.

Here's to a successful week! Cheers! :)

90/10

2009-11-09T14:42:00.000-05:00

Remember my talk about the 90/10 thing? I really believe in that. My weight loss is proof for me that if I eat supremely well 90% of the time, I can be a bit looser the other 10% of the time.

I know that not everyone feels that way. I think it either works for you or it doesn't. If incorporating Forbidden Foods into your diet triggers you to relapse, then it's safe to say you can't do it. But if you are able to have control even after the 10% of the time is over, I think it can be very useful. Because like you always hear, "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle." And isn't that true? And hey, I'll admit that sometimes it's harder for me when I eat the Forbidden Foods...I find myself craving them more and more, and that just makes things more challenging for me. I never go out of control or, God forbid, binge, but it does get tougher. But I know that, and sometimes I accept the challenge because I really want something that's not normally on the menu for me.

I did pretty well today. Coffee with Splenda and organic half and half for my morning commute and a non-fat peach Greek yogurt for breakfast mid-morning; an Iced Pumpkin Pie Clif bar for lunch (because I was in my car) with a Light Babybel cheese and 14 baby carrots. Not bad, right? Pretty super. :)

Then I came home and saw THE CHIPS. Hubs bought these INCREDIBLY good sour cream and onion chips on Sunday morning, and I made the mistake of smelling them...LOL For the longest time I thought that I was only a sugar-craver, but one thing I learned when I started eating healthy was that I. CRAVE. SALT. Salt calls to me like a hooker calls to a man in the midst of a 20-year sex drought. I know I shouldn't be doing it, but damn...they're just so good. And it's weird, because I can absolutely have a piece of chocolate and not have another. But salty stuff? Just...NO.

So what did I do? Oh, I came home and ate the rest of the bag. LOL There were about 3 servings in there, so I scarfed down a cool 450 calories doing that, not to mention a disgusting amount of sodium. And you know what? I was mad at myself, and I still am. There's definitely something to be said for cutting yourself a little slack if you want to have something fabulous at a restaurant or for special occasions, but honestly...there's nothing fabulous about gross, preservative-filled chips! They had MSG in them, for crying out loud! LOL But what I'm NOT going to do is let that allow me to eat whatever I want for the rest of the day. I took responsibility (didn't eat them all and then pretend it didn't happen since no one saw) and added them to my total calorie count using the Lose It! app on my iTouch. Added to the other things I ate today, plus dinner which will be Amy's Tamale Verde (AMAZING...Hubs and I are huge fans), that takes me to 1303 calories for the day. Not terrible!!! However, I have to be honest with myself and anticipate...POSSIBLY...a VitaMuffin cranberry nut muffin after dinner for 100 calories. I am going to try to go without it, but if it calls to me I may give in. I don't want to eat some yucky crap at 11 PM when I can't get to sleep because I'm still thinking about that goddamn muffin. But that still puts me at only 1403 calories for the day, and there's nothing wrong with that!

You'll notice I don't exercise. LOL Yes, I've noticed that too. It's not because I'm incapable...Hubs and I summit mountains, for Christ's sake...it's because I just don't feel like it. It's as simple as that, really. I get home from work and I don't feel like it. I wake up at 4:30 AM and don't feel like waking up at 4 AM to get a workout in. It is what it is, and I've learned to accept it for now. Fortunately I don't have a sedentary lifestyle overall, so I've been okay.

Last thought: I'm thinking of changing my official weigh-in day from Tuesday to Friday. Why? Because given how huge my drops are on Fridays, I think I have a falsely high weight on Tuesday most likely secondary to water retention. When I lose 3 pounds from Tuesday to Friday, I know it's probably not "real" weight loss; similarly, if I gain 3 pounds from Friday to Tuesday, I know that I didn't eat an excess of 10,500 calories over the weekend to equal 3 pounds of "real" weight gain. Given all that weird water fluctuation, I think Friday weigh-ins might be more accurate.

Thoughts on this?

Weigh-in tomorrow! Cheers!

Weekend Woes

2009-11-08T18:20:00.001-05:00

Ugh...so as much as I hate work, I need the weekend to end so that I can get back on track! (She says, as if the weekend was to blame.)

To be fair, this weekend was not nearly as bad as some that I've had in the past. And it's funny...despite the fact that I sometimes lose my way on the weekends, my weight loss doesn't seem to be hindered. No, that doesn't make it okay for me to eat like a gross pig, I'm just sayin'.

Hubs and I went out for our dinner Friday night, which I mentioned was my cheat meal. It was actually not that bad - for dinner I had pork loin, a salad with a teensy bit of dressing on the side, and French fries. The French fries were honestly my worst choice of the night, and I didn't eat them all. I also had a dinner roll, but stop judging me! And that was it...so not too bad.

Saturday was much less worse than it could have been. I was wicked on track all day, but then Hubs wanted to stop at White Castle for dinner on our way home from car shopping. He asked me if I wanted anything and I said no, which was true. But once he got them in the car, God almighty...that stuff is like manna from heaven. But I only had a bite of his slider and 4 or 5 French fries, and then I was done. When we got home, I skipped dinner and instead had about 2 cups of organic popcorn for about 160 calories. Not terrible.

Today was a little less easy. I started out well with a coffee and a mini Clif bar for breakfast (200 calories total). But then I totally gave into my salt craving...*sigh* I had - let's be honest here - about 3 servings of potato chips for 450 calories and a few pieces of beef jerky for abour 200 calories, which is so whiskey tango (read: white trash). Then Hubs and I went to Barnes and Noble and I had a soft pretzel (290 calories) and a double fudge cupcake (350 calories). Jesus! But at least I skipped the Caramel Light Frappuccino that I usually get (130 calories).

I swore I was going to eat NOTHING for the rest of the night, but all of those empty calories burned away and I was left really hungry. I made a smart choice for dinner and had an Amy's Breakfast Scramble Burrito with a little bit of salsa for about 350 calories total.

It's 6:30 PM now, and I am REALLY done eating whether my body likes it or not. I already packed a super healthy lunch and snacks for tomorrow, so I know it's going to be a good day. :) I really do.

Weigh-in on Tuesday! Despite the slightly lousy weekend (especially today), I'm looking forward to it. I have faith that it's going to be a good number. Perhaps a little more than Friday since that was a big drop (maybe a fluke?), but still...I think I'll be happy.

Until then, cheers!

Eeeek!

2009-11-06T08:29:00.000-05:00

I'm the worst! I meant to post here on Tuesday after my weigh-in, but I've been so busy with NaNoWriMo that I completely forgot. I come home from work and have to write some words, but it has to be in my novel and not here if I want to make the NaNoWriMo goal. So far it's going really well, I've got over 36,000 words. I'm so excited!

So a little backpedaling here. Tuesday's weigh-in was a success - 240.4. So I lost almost 2 pounds since the Tuesday before. Yay! (The weight in my first blog post was my Friday weight, NOT my Tuesday weight. That's why there's a discrepancy.) And I've been sticking to the vow I made about not allowing myself crappy food even if it fits into my calorie amount for the day, and it's really been working! I haven't had any cravings all week and I've been staying on track and doing really well. Some days this is effortless...other times it's like pulling teeth. I'm grateful for the former this week!

My sister and I do our official weigh-in on Tuesday, but we do a mid-week weigh in on Fridays as well. My Friday weigh-in, which is today? 235. I am SO not kidding!!! :D And I know it looks like a huge drop, but my scale was doing funny things on Tuesday; I could have been either 240.4 or I could have been 238.2. It kept jumping back and forth, so I just went with the higher number. I've gone with the lower number before and have been totally disappointed. LOL Today I weighed myself 3 times and got 235, 235, and 233.8. So I figure best 2 out of 3, right? And I know I seem like I'm obsessesd, weighing myself 3 times, but I swear I'm not crazy. Just trying to get the most accurate number!

Today I'm off from work, so I'm hoping that I don't get tempted by stuff in the house. I didn't wake up craving stuff like I did last week though, so I'm feeling optimistic. Tonight is my Cheat Meal and I'm really looking forward to it! LOL It helps me stay on track during the week, and it will be especially helpful to remember if I get cravings today.

So...let's look at the numbers. I've decided to incorporate my BMI in here too, mostly because I'm so excited about it! Who gets excited about a BMI? LOL Well, mine finally isn't terribly gross anymore, so I'M excited. ;)

Current Weight: 235

High Weight: 298.2

Goal Weight: 190
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Current BMI: 34.7

High BMI: 42.5

My goal is to be 220 by Christmas. Here's to working hard!

Cheers!

A Good Day...Finally!

2009-11-02T17:55:00.000-05:00

I'm proud of myself for not being an oinker today. I had an epiphany this morning, though it wasn't really epiphany-worthy. I've been fooling myself as to why eating healthy has been difficult for me lately. I've been telling myself lies, mostly.

"I have no idea WHAT the problem is!"

"I have my period."

"I don't know why I'm eating all of those Doritos. Maybe my sodium is low."

Yeah, okay. Or maybe I'm a food addict. Because here's the thing... If I don't eat those foods, I don't crave them! I really don't. But if I eat one Dorito, or one chocolate chip cookie, I unleash that monkey on my back. So I vowed that today would be different, and it was!

I usually have no problem staying I'm track when I'm at work because I'm always so busy, but when I'm home, I'm distracted by all the yumminess we have in the house! Because even though I'm trying to eat healthy I don't force Hubs to snack on the things that I keep around. Which, by the way, aren't berries and twigs. But Hubs is a big fan of MSG and preservatives, which is fine...I just have to stay away from that stuff because it fuels my addiction. But anyway, I got home from work super early today and was a little worried about myself. It was all good, though!

For breakfast, on my way to work, I had a coffee with some organic half & half and Splenda with Fiber. I also ate a serving of dry Gluten-Free O's that we get from our supermarket. I don't know the brand, but I know that it's good! There's only 110 calories in two-thirds of a cup, which is a lot of cereal.

I got to work and found out that I was pretty much just going to turn around and come home. LOL On my way home I was craving something sweet...all psychological, by the way, and probably having everything to do with the shit I ate this weekend. To feed my need, I had a mini Clif bar for 100 calories.

Got home and had to run some errands, but after that errands I had a container of vegan Tortilla Soup by Dr. McDougall for lunch. I don't know who the hell Dr. McDougall is, but I know he makes a damn good soup for 200 calories! Lots of cilantro, and it tastes really salty but barely has any sodium added. Plus, it's super filling. I snacked on organic baby carrots and a Light Babybel cheese in the afternoon. For dinner I had Cedar Lane Spinach and Cheese Tamales, which are pretty standard for me. They're 330 calories and keep me full for a while - no easy feat. For dessert I had a half a serving of Green & Black's Organic Chocolate with toffee pieces. I usually go for their 85% dark chocolate, but I was in the mood for the creamy stuff tonight.

So far I'm at 1100 calories. I have about 180 left before I hit my limit for the day and it's only 6:20 PM...so maybe more food to come. But whatever it is, it WON'T be something I shouldn't eat. No food crack for me today, I need to reset my brain.

And tomorrow is weigh-in day! Stay tuned. :)

I'm Not A Loser...

2009-11-01T18:34:00.000-05:00

...I swear. Though it might seem like I am.

It pains me to start out my blog with a little story of failure, but shit happens. Yesterday was my Cheat Meal day, and everything worked out pretty well. According to my Lose It! app on my iTouch, my body needs a little more than 1800 calories a day to lose 2 pounds a week without exercise. I typically don't allow myself more than 1300 because 1) I won't exercise and 2) I want to lose faster, damn it. So although I had my Cheat Meal yesterday, I doubt that I went over 2500 calories all day. That's not bad.

The problem? I had a Cheat Meal today as well, and that was bad. Although it could have been worse! Hubs and I went to Cracker Barrel (lovingly referred to in the future as The Barrel) where I got grilled chicken (good choice), turnip greens (good choice), dumplings and mashed potatoes (BAD choices). Oh, and I ate a biscuit (bad choice). But that was it! And up until dinner I'd only eaten about 650calories. So hopefully we're not too bad.

The other problem is that I made Hubs chocolate chip cookies on Friday. I bake like Betty freakin' Crocker...I seriously do...and my chocolate chip cookies are heaven on earth. I don't say that to be egotistical, I say it because it's true. They're like little gifts from God. Anyway, 5 dozen of those tasty little morsels have been in our kitchen since Friday, the number dwindling. Hubs has eaten about 2 dozen on his own. I will confess...I had 4 today. But in my defense, they're little! But it's still no excuse.

Tuesday is weigh-in day. My sister and I stopped making Monday weigh-in day, because sometimes we need that day to hydrate and lose water weight if we've had a questionable weekend. Kind of like I'll need to do this Monday.

We'll see what Tuesday holds!

Chubbly? Not For Long!

2009-10-25T18:42:00.000-04:00

I may be chubbly, but not for long.

Food and me? Well, we have an exciting relationship. We thrive off each other, really. Food makes me happy, and when I accept her, she likes to just glomp on to me and hang out. She thinks she's being funny, but really she's not. Food is just hanging around and making me fat.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't call on her so often. If I didn't call on her, she'd be comfortable when I needed to abandon her from time to time. But no. Instead, she's gotten so used to me needed her that she clings. She clings on my hips and my thighs. She clings onto my face, which is the worst for me as it is the most unbecoming. She clings to my ass like a crazed monkey. She clings on my boobs, though she knows she's allowed to stay there for as long as she'd like. That is the one place Food is welcome.

So, what to do about our crazy relationship?

It's time to cut the ties. Well...at least a little.

I have been chubbly my whole life. Why do I use the word "chubbly", you wonder? It's just that "chubby" sounds so gross, and "fat" is so degrading. "Chubbly" is cute. (Right?) Chubbly bubbly, chubbly cheeks...almost sounds like "cuddly", and who doesn't like cuddly?

Moving on...

I've always been a bit chubbly. However, it never hindered me, and I was always able to participate in sports, I had boyfriends and dates galore, wore clothes from normal stores...so, I avoided a lot of the stuff that typically befalls us chubbly women. How, I'll never know. Because if I wasn't being so nice to myself, I would just tell you that I was a fat cow. So how I fit into jeans from the Gap will always be one of life's greatest mysteries, but I won't complain.

My husband, who I refer to only as Hubs, has always thought I was gorgeous. He thought I was gorgeous last Christmas when I tipped the scales at a whopping 298 pounds. He grabbed my ass on a daily basis, always complimented me, and when I felt like piss going down the drain, he'd tell me I was beautiful. I always thought he was a liar, or at least a Chubby Chaser. (A not-so-nice term would be a "Fat Fucker".) He denies that he's a Chubby Chaser; time and time again he'd say, "But beautiful, you're not chubby!" But I knew different. And so did the scale. Because despite the fact that I'm 5'9 and a DD, 298 pounds is NEVER okay. It's just not. And when I had to buy a pair of size 20 jeans from the Gap sometime before the Hefty Weight of Christmas, I assured myself that their clothes were getting smaller...NOT that my waist was getting bigger. Nevermind that I was thoroughly enjoying a 640-calorie sausage, egg, cheese sandwich from Dunkin' Donuts every morning. Oh, and a 500-calorie cookie after that. Oh, and Hubs and I went out for dinner every night, so I was probably sucking down around 1800 calories for that meal. So while I wasn't sitting around eating several rotisserie chickens at once and washing them down with gallons of Tin Roof Sundae, I was clearly still eating like it was my job.

Fast-forward to May of this year. I was still hovering around 288 pounds, so...YAY ME...I lost 10 pounds with the promise of the New Year.

"I resolve to NEVER eat junk food again."

"I'm going to exercise EVERY day."

"No more desserts. NONE!"

Or something like that. And I guess it worked for a little while, but soon I was back on the Wagon of Disgusting. I traded my Dunkin' Donuts breakfast for an equally gross BK Lounge (Burger King, for those of you not in the know) breakfast. It was so bad that the little Mexican woman that took my drive-through order every day knew my voice, and the time I ordered "a Number 2, small-sized with a Diet Coke", she said, "Honey, do you mean a medium?" No, Rosa...I didn't. But since you mentioned it, that's what I'll have. I don't want to make you feel bad for being wrong, after all. So Rosa would be happy, and I would be simultaneously happy and repulsed as I ate my sausage, egg, and cheese on a biscuit with more greasy Crispy Crowns than I could shake a stick at. Thank God the soda was diet. [Roll eyes here.]

May brought my sister's birthday, and we went out and had a jolly good feast that day. That night, before Hubs and I left to come back home, my sister was despairing about how she needed to lose weight. I needed to lose weight, too; I couldn't walk up the steps without feeling winded, all of my clothes looked like total shit on me (because despite thinking that you can "dress thin" even when you're not, I looked like an uncomfortable cow in everything I wore), I had started foregoing certain activities that had a weight limit (sometimes because I didn't want to mention my weight, other times because I was just plain too fat to do something, like a zipline tour with a 240-pound weight limit), and I was getting awfully close to hitting the capacity on the scale at the doctor's office. What would they do with me then, weigh me at the zoo?

I was NOT going there.

So my sister and I made a pact that day. No more refined flour or refined sugar. Everyone knows that they're addictive, but few people know that it's actually the chemicals used in the refining process that make them addictive. So we found alternate sources of sugar, namely organic and unrefined sources. We sought out things made with whole wheat flour. We cut down our calories to about 1300 a day, which forced us to make good choices.

The week we stopped eating refined sugar and white flour, we felt like shit. I felt I had the flu for 3 days. I had tunnel vision and got dizzy every time I stood up. It felt like someone had a vice around my head. My sister stayed home from school for 2 days because she was exhausted. Considering the withdrawal we went through, I can only imagine how detrimental those things are to our bodies.

So here we are, 6 months later. I have lost 47 pounds since we started, 57 since the beginning of the year. We've felt comfortable enough to start incorporating the Forbidden Foods into our meals - but only on occasion, and really hardly ever. But if I go to my in-laws for dinner, I won't ask my mother-in-law not to use refined sugar or white flour. I either skip those things or I eat a few bites and leave it. Same with desserts. And I have a cheat meal every week, but just one meal, not a whole day. Visiting my parents is easier since my sister still lives at home. Their pantry is stocked with Kashi food, whole wheat bread, and the like. But I don't go to other people's homes and expect them to cater to me. I just do the best I can to make it a lifestyle now instead of a diet. And you know, I always hated when people said that. "It's a lifestyle, not a diet!!!" I always thought it was a load of bullshit. But it really is true...you just have to find a lifestyle that makes sense for you. I'm not going to live a life that doesn't allow me to ever eat bread or sugar or red meat. I'm just trying to make better choices, even if I still go a little crazy once in a while. I try to follow the 90-10 rule: If I eat well 90% of the time, the 10% of the time I don't won't kill me. And so far, it's working.

And so here begins the blog, following my progress to lose the next 51 pounds so that I can hit my goal weight of 190. Less than 200...less than my husband...a size 12 in Gap jeans. That's what I'm shooting for.

And hopefully I keep my boobs.
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Hideous Number time:

Current Weight: 241.2

High Weight: 298.2

Goal Weight: 190
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Side note: When I told Hubs I was starting this blog, he asked me if he could read it. I said, "I don't know...the only person who knows my number is my sister." (Number meaning my weight.) Hubs said, "Beautiful, the only number I see when I look at you is 10."

How. CUTE. Hubs, you are a gem, and I love you.